When She Smiles
by Fresh C
Summary: Love hurts. But it's all worth it when she smiles.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I made a few artistic changes and tried to give this storie some volume. I hope you like the revision.

**When She smiles**

Shinji was greatly surprised when the car came to a stop in front of the large red brick building. He had enjoyed the ride there. It had provided him with the rare opportunity of not thinking about anything. As the wind flew past the windshield of the red convertible and gently ruffled his hair, his mind was blank. He watched the painted lines on the highway as they disappeared beneath the car. In the back of his mind, he realized that had the car not been occupying two lanes this wouldn't have occurred. But in his presents state of consciousness all he could do was wonder what happened to the lines when they left his sight.

In short, Shinji was completely out of it. He did not notice when the car traveled onto the exit ramp, taking the turn at a dangerous speed. He didn't even bat an eye when the car slowed to a reasonable speed that only exceeded the speed limit by 15 miles per hour. But somewhere along the line they had arrived at their destination and Misato's words snapped him out of his reprieve.

"We're here," she said softly as if not to raise the dead.

"Oh," was all he could mange to say as she turned to face him in the passenger seat. Shinji himself straitened up in his seat, but did not raise his head to meet her gaze. He wasn't avoiding her. He was just avoiding her eyes. It was better for both of them that way.

Misato sighed. It seemed like she sighed a lot these days. It was strange to see her not in a state of artificial alcohol-induced cheer, despite the fact that she'd been sober for a month now. Shinji silently wondered if sighing was a symptom of withdrawal.

"You know," said Misato, "You don't have to do this."

"I know," he said with his eyes on his feet. For the life of him he couldn't remember where he'd gotten that grass stain on his sneakers. It was an interesting question. At least interesting enough to distract him from the conversation.

"Are you sure you want to go?"

"Yeah. I'm sure," he said. His response was too fast for Misato's liking.

"You cried for hours last time Shinji."

He briefly looked up at her, but quickly looked back down.

"Is that wrong?" he asked. Misato was slightly taken aback.

"No… of course it's not. It's just hard to see you like that."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Misato wiped a stray strand of hair out of her face. It was clouding her vision. She needed to concentrate. He wouldn't like what she had to say.

"Maybe it's best if you didn't."

"Didn't what?" he asked with confusion clearly etched upon his face.

"Didn't see her."

Shinji frowned.

"I have to see her. She needs me."

"She wouldn't want you to be unhappy because of her."

"She wants to see me. She misses me."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"I don't know." His hand was itching to grab the handle of the car door.

Misato sighed.

"You remember what happened last time?" she asked. "The Nurses had to drag you out of there."

Shinji's face darkened. He remembered what happened. He remembered it quite well.

"It was Nine-Fifty-Five."

"So?"

"Visiting hours are over at Ten."

Misato sighed. This was turning out to be harder than she anticipated.

"I know that you care about her, but this is not healthy."

"She's getting better."

"Did the doctor's say that?"

"No," he admitted. "But I can tell. Last time she called me by my name and spoke to me the whole time."

Misato sighed.

Shinji's hand was on the handle.

"I can see you aren't going to change your mind. I won't hold you any longer."

"Thank you Misato," he said with a slight nod of his head. He finally opened the door and stepped out of the car. He couldn't help but notice the excessive length of the sidewalk leading up to the building. He wondered if it was to keep normal people away. Away from the place where they held her, where they held Asuka.

As Misato watched him walk off, she couldn't stop herself from whispering three words: "Don't get hurt."

* * *

"Hello Mr. Ikari," said a warm faced woman sitting behind the visitors' desk. She was smiling softly at Shinji, but he could tell she was a little nervous. His last visit had not ended well. The only things he remembered from the encounter was taking a swing at an orderly and Asuka smiling and waving as she said goodbye. After the incident he was taken to see the head administrative doctor of the institution. The doctor was a kindly old man who seemed very sympathetic to Shinji's plight. He was let off without any consequences, but that didn't mean the staff had forgotten what happened.

"Hello ma'am," Shinji said quietly keeping his head down.

"Are you here to see Miss Soryu again?"

"Yes, ma'am," said Shinji looking at the floor. It was hard to look anyone in the eye knowing what he'd done. It was even harder because he knew that given the chance he'd do it again. Without hesitation.

"I need you to sign this sheet and then you're free to see her."

"Ok," said Shinji as he picked up the pen. He wrote down the time and signed his name. He stared curiously at what he had just written. For the second he was lost in thought. The nurse took notice of his hesitation.

"You do know where it is, right?" she asked sounding more concerned than Shinji would have liked. He admired her kindness despite the uneasiness she obviously felt.

"Six doors down the hall to the left?"

"Yep, that's it," said the nurse. Then as Shinji turned to leave she said, "I hope it goes well for you this time."

Shinji stopped walking, but continued to stare at the floor. After a moment he continued on his way, but not before mumbling out a soft, "Thank you Ma'am."

While walking through the empty halls of the mental hospital, he couldn't help but notice how clean and organized everything was. It was a reflection of how his dream home would be: neat and tidy. He couldn't suppress the feeling that he would fit in well here. A shudder ran up his spine. It wasn't the first time that he had thought he might belong in such a place. He was slightly disturbed by the loud manner in which his footsteps echoed through the hall and it was no small relief when he found himself outside of Asuka's door. He quickly opened the door and stepped inside.

Asuka's room was simplistic in its design. There was a small twin-sized bed in the corner of the room and a wooden dresser for her keep her clothes in. The walls were bare. The doctors had wanted to keep things as scarce as possible for fear that she might hurt herself. They realized that a girl with her education could still manage to do so, but figured it'd be best not to make it easy for her.

But these things were not on Shinji's mind as he entered the room. His attention was divided between two individuals: Asuka and the girl who held Asuka in her lap. The girl was no older than 15, yet she was burdened with the responsibility of taking care of Asuka. It was a hard task for a girl of her age and Shinji admired her for it. He admired everything about the girl and was saddened that she had to live in such a place as this.

"Nice to see you again, Shinji," said the girl in a cheerful tone. "Asuka has missed you a lot."

"I missed her too," said Shinji. "It's also good to see you."

"Have a seat," said the girl patting a spot next to her on the bed. "Asuka would have offered you one, but she's been so rude these days, haven't you?"

Asuka, however, did not seem to have an opinion on the matter. She sat quietly in the girl's lap and smiled brightly at the wall.

"She's not rude at all," said Shinji shifting uncomfortably on the bed. He wished that it had been pushed up to the wall so that he'd have something to lean his back against. Leaning always made him feel more stable.

"Oh you're just being polite, she's being very rude. Always has been."

"I never minded."

"That's very nice of you to say," said the girl. "Asuka you should thank Shinji for being so kind."

"It's ok. You're embarrassing me." He didn't bother to hide his blush. The girl would have known anyways. She'd always been too smart for him.

Silence fell among the three occupants of the room and Shinji found he could not figure out what to say. Every time he had visited in the past the girl had been the guiding force of conversation. Luckily she did not disappoint.

"So what brings you to our humble abode this evening?" Shinji found it eerie that the girl never smiled. Her voice was always cheery, but a smile never reached her face. Asuka on the other hand seemed to be the exact opposite. Asuka was always smiling, but in all the time he'd visited the two of them she'd never said a word to him. The girl did all the talking for the both of them.

"I'm here to see you… both of you," he added quietly.

"You're so kind now. Asuka says you used to be quite selfish. But she's very happy to see you now, aren't you?"

With a little coaxing from the girl, Asuka nodded.

Shinji smiled lightly. He was glad to be wanted.

"How have you been doing?" he asked chancing a glance at the girl beside him.

"Asuka's been a little grouchy lately, but nothing I can't handle. She doesn't like being held in this place. She doesn't like it at all."

Shinji frowned.

"But how have _you_ been doing."

"Oh me? I'm well. I don't mind staying here," she said with a shrug of her shoulder. "I just feel bad for poor little Asuka, that's all."

Shinji didn't know what to say to this. He kicked at the air with his dangling feet. It seemed he never knew what to say to this girl. He decided to change the direction of the conversation.

"Have the nurses been treating you well?"

"I don't like them very much. They're not nice like you, Shinji."

This statement made Shinji quite concerned. He'd heard stories about institutions such as these. Most of those tales were not pretty.

"Have they done anything to you?" he asked. It was a question fueled by fear that quickly turned to quiet anger. When he spoke next, his voice was barely above a whisper. "They haven't touched you, have they? I swear if they harm you…"

"Calm down Shinji," she said with a chuckle. It was amazing how she could laugh so lightly without smiling. "They've treated me just fine."

"Oh," was all he could say. He was embarrassed that he had gotten so worked up over nothing.

"But I am concerned with how they treat Asuka."

"What do you mean?"

The girl leaned in conspiratorially, an act which forced Asuka (who had been sitting in the girl's lap the whole time) to bend forward awkwardly. She then proceeded to talk in a light whisper.

"Some of the guards have been very mean to Asuka."

"How so?" asked Shinji in a similar tone of voice.

"They call her mean names, like 'Barbie' and 'Raggedy Ann' right in front of her face. It's like they don't even care if she can hear them."

Shinji was silent, but the girl pressed on.

"They even refuse to feed her. I've been sharing my food with her all this time. The poor thing's loosing weight. Isn't that horrible?"

Shinji didn't trust himself to speak. He knew that if he opened his mouth he would say the wrong thing and the girl would hate him again. It would be just like his first visit. That had not went well at all. It wasn't until well after she was done yelling at him and pushing him violently out the door that he realized what he had done wrong.

The girl noticed his reluctance in answering.

"It _is_ horrible, isn't it?"

"Yes," said Shinji quietly. It was the only safe thing for him to say.

"I'm sorry I didn't hear you. Could you repeat that?"

Shinji hung his head.

"Yes… it's horrible."

The girl's face lightened considerably.

"I knew you'd understand Shinji. You're so very nice."

Shinji only nodded as he cast a glance at Asuka. She smiled at him. He did not smile back.

"I heard one of the doctors saying the most horrible thing. They were talking about taking Asuka away. Can you believe it?"

"No," said Shinji much quicker this time. He was a slow learner, but that didn't mean he wasn't learning.

"Well they were. The doctor said, 'it's time we take that doll away'. You can imagine how distraught Asuka was. She hates dolls."

Shinji nodded silently.

"I won't let them take her away Shinji. I know she can be mean and I know she's not a nice person… but I'm all she has."

It was true. In this place Asuka and the girl were everything to each other. Shinji understood this, but he hated it. For a while there was nothing he could think to say to the girl. Her world was on verge of shattering and she knew it. But maybe… just maybe…

"Maybe… it would be okay," said Shinji hopefully.

"What do you mean?" asked the girl.

"Well maybe… it would help Asuka if the doctors took care of her for a little while."

"You can be so ignorant sometimes, Shinji!" she said hitting him lightly on the arm. The girl's response reminded Shinji so much of old times that he almost forgot where they were. He almost forgot why she was there.

"Asuka needs me," said the girl, kicking his memory back into gear. "Those doctors won't take care of her. No one else has ever taken care of her. It's my job. No one else cares."

Shinji was disheartened at her words, but hope is a resilient thing. If it has to go down it goes down swinging.

"What… what if I took care of her?" asked Shinji so quietly it was surprising that the girl even heard him.

"You're so sweet Shinji," said the girl. "It's really nice of you, but I couldn't let you do that."

Shinji frowned.

"I'd take good care of her. I'd treat her like she deserves to be treated."

"I don't doubt you Shinji. It's her that I'm worried about. Asuka is a very bad girl sometimes. She can be very mean and very selfish. She likes you very much, but she'd only hurt you Shinji. Asuka always hurts people. Especially nice people like you."

Shinji frowned.

Hope threw its last punch: a sloppy hook to the left.

"I wouldn't mind. I like Asuka too. I wouldn't mind being hurt a little."

Hope never had a chance.

"Thank you, but no thank you Shinji. She's my responsibility now. I'm just glad that you come and see her every now and then. It really brightens up her day."

Shinji hung his head and looked down at the floor. It was a plain white tiled floor. He shook silently as he struggled to keep his emotions under control. It wasn't right for her to say things like that to him. Things that would have meant so much in the past.

"Asuka did tell me one thing you could do for her. She'd tell you herself, but she's just too shy to ask. It's funny how rude she is to everyone when she's really so shy inside."

"What is it?" asked Shinji eagerly looking up from the ground. He casually wiped at his eyes knowing that it was futile. She always was too smart for him.

"She wants you… to hold her. Just until she falls asleep."

Shinji swallowed hard. He wondered what the nurses would think if they saw what he was about to do. They already thought he was crazy. Maybe this would solidify that view. Against his better judgment he decided to comply with Asuka's request. It was the least he could do.

"Ok," he said as he scooped Asuka into his arms.

The girl watched in wonder. She stared at the two of them with a look that was so childish it was almost comical. But Shinji didn't quite feel like laughing.

"She wants you to rock her. Could you rock her until she falls asleep?"

The girl looked on with longing, as he obliged. When she spoke again her voice was filled with excitement and something like disbelief.

"I've never seen her look so happy. She's very peaceful now Shinji. She wants me to thank you for her."

"You're welcome," said Shinji awkwardly as he looked down at Asuka's smiling face. He couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness that had hit him the moment he took Asuka into his arms.

Shinji continued to rock Asuka to sleep for quite some time. It honestly felt like an eternity to the boy, but he never stopped. Relief washed over him, when the girl spoke again.

"You're so nice Shinji. So very, very nice. Why do you keep coming here to see us? You should be out with other nice people having a nice time."

For once in his life, Shinji knew exactly what he needed to do.

He looked the girl in the eyes and said, "I came here because I love you, Asuka."

"She loves you too," said the girl, effectively crushing his spirits.

As hard as it was, Shinji kept himself under control. He wanted her to understand. He needed her to know.

"Asuka's not the only one I love," said Shinji once again forcing himself to meet the girl's eyes. It was not an easy task.

"That's sweet, Shinji. That's very, very sweet."

Her answer gave him some encouragement but he couldn't help but notice that she had not said those three words back. Still, he was content to know that she cared.

"Shinji…"

"Yes, Asuka?"

"Don't be silly Shinji, Asuka's asleep."

"Oh…"

"I know we've asked a lot of you since you've been here, but there's one more thing I'd like for you to do?"

"What is it?"

"I don't know if I should ask…" said the girl timidly. "Asuka wouldn't like it. She can be so selfish sometimes, so very, very selfish. But do you think… maybe it's okay if I'm selfish this time too?"

"It's okay," said Shinji without a second thought. It was all the encouragement the girl needed.

"Would it be okay… if you held me for a while too?"

It was harder for Shinji in that moment. He wanted to scream. He wanted cry. He wanted to run. But he steadied himself because he needed to hold it in for the girl. He nodded to her silently.

She carefully removed Asuka from Shinji's lap and gently laid her next to him on the bed. Shinji then leaned his back up against the headboard with his legs spread apart upon the mattress. The girl sat between his legs and leaned the back of her head upon his chest. She then grabbed his hands and wrapped his arms around her middle.

It was definitely an awkward moment for Shinji. He'd never been so close to anyone in all of his adolescent life. But there was something about her warmth and presence that was calming to him. Even though a voice in his head was telling him this was a bad idea, he couldn't find it in himself to move.

"This is very nice Shinji," said the girl. Her voice was somehow softer now. Less formal. "If it wasn't for Asuka I could stay like this forever."

Hearing her say such a thing brought Shinji to the edge. When he looked down at Asuka's forever-smiling face he was slightly pushed over. His body began to shake outside of his control. His vision blurred. He wanted so desperately to hold in the tears, but there was nothing he could do. It was just too much. She was too much.

"Why are you crying, Shinji?"

He shook his head. There was no answer he could give that she would understand.

"You shouldn't cry… Asuka is very sad when you cry."

He struggled for a while, but finally brought his voice under some semblance of control. It still shook as he talked.

"But Asuka is asleep."

The girl thought about this for a while, but soon came up with the appropriate response.

"It makes me sad to see you cry too."

This statement caused Shinji to cry harder, wetting the girl's hair with his tears.

_She can't say that now. It's not fair. This isn't fair._

"Please stop," she said. "If you keep crying you'll wake Asuka up and, she'll be very mad if she sees us like this."

With much effort Shinji managed to bring himself back under control. His tears ceased to flow, but his breathing was heavy and he still shook a little bit.

"That's better," said the girl. "But if Asuka was awake she still would not be pleased."

"Why not?" he asked with a quiver in his voice.

"She'd want you to smile. It makes her so happy to see you smile."

"But Asuka's still asleep," said Shinji slowly as he still attempted to catch his breath.

"That's okay," said the girl. "I'm happy when you smile too."

There was never a time in all his visits when Shinji wanted to break down more. His anxiety built up inside of him like a shaken can of cola, just waiting to explode. He knew that later, when he was in the safety of his room, he would let it out. He would lock the door and ignore Misato's pleas for entrance. He would cry for hours. Maybe days if he felt up to it. He would cry until the tears could never fall again. But right now, in this moment he held it in and smiled.

He smiled for the girl.

And for the first time he could remember, the girl smiled back.

* * *

Special Thanks to sedemihcrA for helping me put the finishing touches on this. I owe you one.

**Author's Notes and Idiot Proofing**:

Yeah, it's depressing. It's probably the saddest thing I've ever written. The inspiration came from nowhere. It was like one moment I was walking on campus and the next I had this idea in my head. But if I am to be completely honest after re-reading the story it reminded me a bit of the fourth chapter of "I Knew Him When" by Adam Kadom (I recommend it highly).

That's all I have for Author's Notes. It's time for the Idiot Proofing.

Now before you guys go calling me a jerk, I just want you to know that I consider none of my readers idiots... I just call them that because it amuses me. I seriously mean no offense by using the term, but I think it's pretty funny. So I'm going to do it anyways.

In reading this story, there are five levels of idiocy that I will address. If you fall somewhere inbetween, I recommend using the higher level of idiocy. Better to underestimate your self than hurt your self trying to comprehend something you can't. (I kid, I kid)

Idiot Level Zero (Too Smart for my good): Congratulations smart reader. You understood everything that's going on in the story. I don't have to explain the characters or the setting or what happened to Shinji during his first visit. You're the type of reader that makes my job easy, but slightly less fun. I can't insult you because you're too intelligent... smart alack.

Idiot Level One (Understandable Stupidity): Hey it's ok. You're really not that stupid. You're probably just missing some vital information. Maybe you haven't seen the whole series. I bet you're thinking, "there's definitely something more to this story than I understand." That's a good thing. An idiot who knows he's an idiot is much better off than one that does not. My advice to you is to look into Asuka's background information (particularly that which involves her family). Wikipedia is a good source for that if you don't have the DVDs readily at hand. Re-read the story. If you still don't understand what's going on then I don't mean to insult your intelligence, but you should probably move up an Idiot Level.

Idiot Level Two (Eh... I'm sure you're very athletic): So you still don't quite get it. It's not your fault. Your parents probably didn't read to you enough as a child. Just pay close attention and follow my directions and you'll get it. The girl is someone you know from the series. She is not an original character. (I'll give you a moment to let that information settle in... got it?... oh... a few more seconds then... Good). Now that you have that information look very closely at the dialogue in the story and also the descriptions used for Asuka. They are very important to understanding this story. Look particularly at the lines right before the girl asks Shinji to hold her. Isn't it interesting that he didn't notice Asuka was sleeping? Please tell me that's interesting... because if it isn't you'll have to move on to...

Idiot Level Three (Lost at Sea without a Compass): You poor lost thing... you still don't understand. And you're trying so hard. Well have no fear, I shall pilot your ship and point you in the right direction. But beware: the journey may blow your mind. Prepare yourself my friend, you are in for quite a shock. ASUKA IS NOT ASUKA! There I said it. The entity that has been called Asuka throughout this story is not Asuka. This raises so many questions: What is this thing we've been calling Asuka? Where is the real Asuka? Why is this crazy guy talking about ships and compasses? Well ignore that last question and pay close attention. Look at one line in the story... just one line. When Shinji says, "I love you Asuka." Who is he looking at? Who is he talking to? Come on... you can do this. I believe in you! But just incase you still don't understand...

Idiot Level Four (For the Criminaly Stupid... how are you reading this?): You very unfortunate person. Did your mother drop you on the head as a child? Do you live under high voltage power lines? Did you eat a rather large amount of lead-based paint chips in your infancy? I can't imagine how lost and confused you are in your own little world. May God have mercy on your soul. I'm going to break this down for you in terms you can't mistake.

Asuka is a Doll

The Girl is Asuka

Shinji is Shinji

If you don't get that then, I'm sorry because I've done all I can do for you. Seek professional help!

Remember... all that I've said, I've said in love... or jest... or in blatant disregard for your feelings. The point is, this story is pretty subtle so it's understandable if you didn't understand it (yes even you, Level Four Idiot). I hope I've clarified this for everyone once and for all. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Continuing this story is a decision that I still have somewhat mixed feelings about. I felt that the first chapter stood alone perfectly and I don't want to detract from that in any way. However, the ideas I have lined up for the rest of this story (probably just this chapter and then one more) are pretty solid. I didn't fully explore the complexities of the situation that Asuka and Shinji are in and I feel that these next chapters will accomplish that. Still, I understand if you would prefer not to read the rest of this, as it truly is unnecessary in the grand scheme of the story. That being said, I know most of you who liked the first chapter will read this anyways… so enjoy.

And because I don't feel like adding this at the end as usual, Thank you very much to Mr. Roboto… also known as Eric Blair. Without his pre-reading this chapter wouldn't be what it is today. I'd like to think that my word processor is like a mine. And I'm a miner. And the words I write are like jewels. And Eric Blair is like the jeweler that makes it shine pretty-like in the light. Either that, or my word processor is a litter box. And I'm like a cat with digestive problems. And my writing is like kitty litter mixed with kitty crap. And Eric Blair is the loving pet owner who scoops out most of the crap and sprays air freshener all around the area. Either way, thanks man.

**When She Smiles **

**Chapter 2 **

_"Hello Miss Sohryu," said the doctor sitting at the table located in the center of the white walled room. The girl sitting across from him did not respond in any way. She continued to stare forward as a doll with red-yarned hair sat upon her lap, also staring forward. "Miss Sohryu, did you hear me?" asked the doctor again. He was a kindly looking old man. The type that one would associate with hard work and honest living, just from a glance. _

_"She heard you just fine," said the girl finally meeting the man's lightly smiling face. "She doesn't like talking to strangers. They scare her." She finished the last statement hugging the doll close to her body, shielding it from whatever harm the world may do to it._

"_I assure you, that there's nothing to be afraid of here," said the doctor smiling lightly. "This place is only for your protection. The people here are only concerned for your welfare."_

"_Don't worry sir. I'm not afraid of anything or anyone here. It's Asuka that you should be convincing. She doesn't like you. She hates the phony way you smile."_

_She said in a flat tone, so childlike in its innocence, that it immediately forced the doctor to stop smiling, almost as if an eraser had been swiped across his face._

"_I'm sorry if I've offended you, Miss Sohryu."_

"_You're wasting your breath, doctor. Asuka hates apologies. Almost as much as she hates phony smiles."_

"_I…see." The doctor said, keeping quiet while the girl looked at him as if he were transparent. "We've been through this already..."_

"_Yes we have."_

"_And yet you still refuse to address yourself properly."_

"_I am addressing myself properly, the one who does not want to accept the fact that the girl in front of you IS Asuka Langley Sohryu is you doctor."_

_At this, the doctor's face turned into a full-blown frown._

"_Are you aware that you are speaking in the third person?"_

"_No I was not aware of that, sir." She made sure to put stress on the word I._

"_I see…" said the doctor as he took a look at the clipboard resting on the table in front of him. "And when you say the name Asuka, who are you referring to?"_

_It was the girl's turn to frown this time. "I'm speaking of Asuka Langley Sohryu, pilot of Evangelion Unit-02, of course." She said, and the doll was propped up on her lap, giving the impression that it was standing tall and proud, the sewn crimson bit of crooked yarn on its face making it seem like the doll was smirking. "The poor girl sitting right here in my lap."_

"_You mean the doll you're holding?" He asked humorlessly. "You've named it Asuka?"_

"_I wouldn't speak of Asuka that way," said the girl sternly. There was a small, yet noticeable twitch of her right eyebrow. "She may not talk much anymore, but her temper is legendary."_

"_I see…" said the doctor taking another glance at his clipboard. "It seems that you know a lot about Asuka."_

"_Oh yes," said the girl sounding much more cheerful at the change of subject. "Asuka and I have been together for as long as I can remember."_

_At this the doctor raised his eyebrows. "And exactly how far back can you remember, Miss Sohryu?"_

"_I'm not quite sure that I follow you sir," confessed the girl sounding genuinely confused. "I believe I've just answered that question for you."_

"_What is your earliest memory?"_

"_Being with Asuka."_

"_And before you found Asuka?"_

_The girl laughed at the absurdity. "There is no 'before I found Asuka'."_

"_Hmm…" said the doctor. He shook his head back and forth in slow small motions. "What if I were to suggest to you that there was a time that you existed without your doll?"_

_The cold shift in the girl's demeanor was instantaneous. "Then I would suggest that you are a comedian and that your jokes are not very good."_

_The doctor took an old styled fountain pen from within his coat, the metallic tip catching the light for a fraction of a second before he scribbled something down on his notepad._

"_I see. And would you mind me asking one last question before I leave."_

_The girl seemed to ponder this for a moment before nodding her head in agreement. With her help, Asuka nodded as well._

"_If the doll is and always has been Asuka, then who are you?"_

_The girl looked at the doctor with widening eyes. The expression on her face resembled that of a lost child. For a moment, and only a moment, the doctor thought she was about to cry. But suddenly an unearthly sound erupted from her lungs. She let out a low moan that quickly surged into a high-pitched scream, which penetrated the room. And before the doctor could quite register what was happening the girl had sprung from her spot across the table and attempted to grab his pen._

_The doctor held on fast to the pen, yelling for the orderlies to come and help him, but she would not be stopped in her efforts. She continued to tear away at his hand with her nails, until his now bloodied palm opened and the pen fell to the floor. The girl then grabbed the pen up into her own hands and held it high over her head. All the while, the screaming never stopped. The doctor looked up, eyes wide and full of freight as the girl looked down and the tension of the hold she had on her pen made her arms tremble slightly before-_

"Turn it off."

_Two orderlies rushed into the room just in time to catch her arms before she was able to thrust the pen downward. They wrestled with the screaming girl, trying to bring her under some semblance of control._

"I said turn it off." Misato could not watch the scenes on the screen any longer.

The old doctor complied with her wishes. He reached over to the side of his desk and pushed the pause button on the VCR/TV combo. The screen was mostly full of the back of an orderly as he used the majority of his body weight to hold Asuka down on the floor.

Misato felt sick.

"As you can see, the patient is suffering from a unique variant of identity crisis. She pushes her own ego onto that of a doll with similar features as a way of escaping herself as an individual entity. She exhibits highly narcissistic tendencies in the way that she dotes upon the doll. In effect, she treats the doll how she feels she deserves to be treated. However, I believe this treatment is not limited to positive reactions as the doll itself has been found to be dirty and torn in few places at times."

The doctor rewound the tape until it reached the part where Asuka held the pen over her head.

"While at first glance it would seem that her intentions were to harm me, if you look closely there is another potential target present in this scene."

Misato was silent. She threw an appeasing glance at the screen and instantly turned her head away.

"You see here?" For the briefest of moments the doctor seemed a bit shaken, as he probably relived a few of the feelings he might have had at the time, but his eyes were cold and hard and his words heavy with logic and reasoning.

"The doll is resting in her lap. Though there is no way to tell, I believe if the situation had progressed, it would have been her intended target and not me."

He paused to let this information sink in.

"I believe that the patient is using the doll to vent any and all feelings of hatred or inadequacy towards herself. But at the same time she sees the doll as the embodiment of everything that she ever was. She does not understand her existence outside of the doll, and thus feels that it is the most precious thing in existence. And as long as the doll exists there is no reason for the person that was Asuka Langley Sohryu to exist."

Misato finally met the doctor's eyes.

"What do you want me to do?"

"We need to get rid of the doll."

It was hard to tell if Misato was surprised by this at all. She knew how much the doll meant to the girl and just how closely the two of them were intertwined. She couldn't shake the feeling, that she'd always known it would come down to this. Yet, she still felt hesitant about being the one to make the final decision. "How do you think she'll react?"

The doctor frowned.

"Badly, I'm afraid. It will be risky, but at this point it's the only option left to us."

"And is it possible that she'll get better?"

"It would take some time and a lot of counseling, but yes, that is the best case scenario."

"And the worst case?"

"We honestly don't know."

Misato sighed and put her head in her hands. She didn't want this decision in her hands. She didn't want to have to deal with it at all. That look on Asuka's face… it was like a completely different person. Like an animal full of rage. Reluctantly she pulled her head out of her hands and surveyed the office around her. There was only the doctor, his desk, the chairs they were sitting in, and the walls surrounding. The walls filled with certificates and diplomas.

"Is it the only way?" she asked feeling extremely helpless. This man was beginning to remind her of her father. Doctors always reminded her of him.

"It's the only way," said the Chief Administrator. He kept his voice soft, yet firm as he gave her his best sympathetic smile.

"Okay," she said staring at the tiny lettering on the nearest hanging document. He was a professional, she reminded herself. He knew what he was doing.

"I'll need you to sign the release form then."

She signed it because he was a professional. She signed it because it was what was needed to have Asuka back.

And the guilt was on his head.

* * *

But then why was she here?

The bar- _she really shouldn't be in a bar_- was a little too colorful and a little too bright. Everything was painted in muted tones of peach and green and orange that supposedly added an air of sophistication. The crowd wasn't so bad, seeing as it was a weeknight and a little too early for the "usual crowd". And the room was a tad bit cold, giving her plausible reason to cross her arms across herself as she sat on her stool.

She figured the pose she held was adequate enough to keep any adventurous men from coming her way, but at the same time she almost wanted a man to hit on her. It would have been nice to make someone else feel as bad as she did. Although the bartender might be able to give her a run for her money.

Misato could always tell when a bartender actually owned the bar because they were either extremely friendly or extremely ticked off. The woman waiting on her fell into the latter category. As Misato sat quietly at the bar watching a few brave people dance, she couldn't help but notice the frequent glances the woman continued to send her way. It was enough to distract Misato from her misery and make her think that maybe she ought to order something.

And she knew just the liquid to quench her thirst… but it'd be so embarrassing to mention it at the meeting. Especially after she was doing so well (_three weeks and counting. She could still see that odd look of pride on Shinji's face_).

Instead she ordered a coke and had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from adding the word "rum" into the mix. It was an awkward order, for sure, and the bartender went as far as to ask her if she was sure about it. It took a lot of effort not to go with the flow and switch it up to what she really wanted, but her conscience won out in the end. But the bartender still didn't look too pleased and her hand was shaking.

_Can't win'em all, _she thought, but at the current rate it seemed as if she couldn't win any of them.

She turned her attention back to the people dancing on the dance floor. What a crappy bar it really was. It wasn't that the place didn't look nice, or that the people weren't interesting, it was just not her type of place. A little too upbeat, and a little too- though she hated to admit it- young.

Misato might have actually been able to lose herself in the atmosphere if it weren't for the stench of barely shed puberty hanging in the air. But she wasn't there to lose herself in the atmosphere or anything of the sort. She felt that she'd finally grown past such juvenile activities as convincing herself that happiness was inebriation. She was there because no one she knew would be there.

There'd be no one coming up to her and asking her how the job was, or calling her by a fake name that she'd given to them in the past, or asking why she looked so blue while telling her that she had the most beautiful eyes in the world. Or even offering her a drink and making her suffer through their company (women included). It was better just to sit there and wait to lose herself in the coming crowd as she watched the kids carelessly dance around.

But what kind of dancing was that anyways? When they weren't practically raping each other on the hard wood floors they were having seizures the likes of which Misato hoped she'd never suffer. She was sure that she hadn't danced like that when she was their age, but then she realized that she was beginning to sound a little too much like her mother. The thought was rather unappealing, but she couldn't help but sympathize with the same thoughts she scoffed at as a child. One thing was for certain. She wouldn't ever want to see Asuka and Shinji dancing like that.

_Shaking_ and _Shivering_ and _Convulsing_ and-

Even though they held her down, she continued to scream and scream. The way her body bent at awkward angles, popping hips and elbows and legs into shapes that they weren't meant to go. One doctor, yelling over the noise, claimed that she'd hurt herself if she didn't stop. So they called Misato in, since she was usually calm in the presence of those she knew and it would be unsafe to give her any more drugs so soon. She didn't really know what she was supposed to do, so she asked the girl to look her in the eyes. Actually she more or less yelled it and somehow managed to grab her attention. It surprised her the most when the girl quieted down.

"You have to stop this right now." She tried to command the situation the best way she knew how. "These doctors are trying to help you."

For a while things were silent and the two of them stared at each other, each examining the other's position. Then Asuka gave her that look that she'll probably take with her to the grave. That snarl of complete and utter loathing. The same animalistic glance she'd seen on the television in the Chief Administrator's office. And she knew what the girl was going to say before it even left her lips.

"I hate you…" she whispered so softly that it sent chills down Misato's spine. Asuka, seeing the power of her words repeated it again, but louder. "I hate you!"

Part of Misato was surprised, and yet another part of her expected it all along. The way she would always glare at her whenever she mentioned Kaji, and a hundred snide remarks. And how she almost flinched every time she placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder, arm, or leg. The way the two of them could never seem to talk when they were alone, and how she wouldn't even let the _damned doll_ look at her when she came to visit.

Misato realized that all of that had been leading to this. So when the girl screamed up at her with raw hatred in her eyes all she could say was-

That was clearly not dancing since it didn't require any skill at all.

She shook her head. Then she took another sip of her coke. And she hated coke. Should have gotten that lemon-lime soda that now has twice the lemon-lime taste. But what was done was done.

The bar was filling up with kids and suddenly she didn't want to be lost in the crowd anymore. There was a live band playing and they were just a bunch of kids too. Singing songs about heartbreak and how no one understood, to fast up-beat tempos that did nothing to match the mood of the lyrics. If she had known they would be there, she wouldn't have come.

So she picked up her tab from the bartender and accidentally attempted to overpay (she wasn't used to it being so low). And she hit the streets feeling remarkably sober and dry. She wandered around a bit until she found her self outside of one of the usual joints. The ones where it wasn't a requirement to look like you were under 25 and nobody looked at you funny if you wanted to smoke. She took a seat at a familiar stool and stared into a familiar face.

She picked up her cell phone and called home leaving a message for Shinji that he'd never listen to. "Sorry, I'll be out late tonight. Don't wait up." She hoped he wouldn't fall asleep on the couch again because it always made her feel guilty to see him waiting for her there. And if she left him there all night she could hear him cry out in his sleep through her bedroom door. She couldn't take it when she heard him cry. And that's one lesson she learned from her mother. To always know when you couldn't take it anymore.

But that was something to worry about later because right then a relatively good-looking guy walked through the door. He looked a tad older than her, and God was she thankful for that. He caught her gaze from across the room and took a seat at the bar. He bought her another lemon-lime drink and talked to her about life working as a paramedic. He was charming enough that when he asked her if she wanted to leave, she couldn't quite bring herself to say no. When they got to his apartment she promised that she'd sneak out when he fell asleep. Yes, she'd be home. She always came home. But Shinji would have to wait a while. And she told herself the same thing she told Asuka and the same thing the doctor told her.

It was the only way.

The beginning was always the hardest. It was the shame, and the guilt, and the contemplation that just kept sinking him like a rock in the water. Because he _knew_ why he was there locked up in his room and he _knew _just what he intended to do. He had no control over it.

Because she hurt him. Why did she always hurt? And she couldn't even be blamed for it because Asuka was crazy. No, no she's not crazy. She can't be crazy. She's just a little lost and someone's got to find her. But it can't be him because she always hurt him and God why did she hurt him?

The nurse had looked annoyed when he came and that was a first. She'd been afraid in the past, maybe even a little hesitant, but never annoyed. When he signed his name, she told him to wait and an orderly came and walked down with him. This left Shinji a little confused and more than a little afraid because he never needed an escort before and he told them _he told them _that she needed that doll. But they said they were professionals and Misato said they were professionals and they said she might be okay in a little time. But they didn't tell him not to get his hopes up and maybe they should have.

The orderly was a tall guy, a young guy too, at least younger than most of the people who worked here. He looked like someone Shinji had seen on a post card, but he couldn't figure out which post card and supposed it didn't matter. And the young guy looked pretty annoyed too, just like the nurse and you could tell that he'd done this before and that it must not be such a good thing. But Shinji hadn't been this way in a while and it wasn't his fault at all. They said he couldn't come. That she needed time to stabilize. So he couldn't be blamed for not coming sooner. He couldn't be blamed for not expecting the screaming.

It was loud and it was piercing and it was unmistakably Asuka's voice. Did she always scream like that, all day and night? Just screaming and screaming until she passed into exhaustion, only waking to scream some more. It scared him to think she'd lived in such misery, and he didn't realize he said that out loud.

"No," said the young guy in the white scrubs. "She only does it when she thinks we can hear her. She must listen at the door or something. I think she's trying to wear us down."

Shinji wondered just who this guy was anyways to be giving diagnosis, but he figured he probably knew better than he did, seeing as he'd been away so long. He hoped she'd understand that it wasn't his fault that he'd been away.

"Where's Asuka? Bring back Asuka!" she screamed and it hurt his ears as much as it hurt his soul. And suddenly he wanted to turn around, but it was too late because they were already there. His hand was on the knob and he didn't want to turn it, but she was waiting for him and whose fault was that?

"I'll be right out here if you need anything," said the young guy and he took a spot leaning against the opposite wall. "Oh, and visiting times are limited to half an hour for her now. They do it with all the difficult cases."

The doorknob turned. He could have sworn it wasn't his hand that did it, but all that met him was a face of fury. A mass of red hair and a terrible expression, and that scream echoing off the walls, until… she's looking at him and her fury was gone almost as if someone had wiped a blackboard clean and there was nothing on it now: a placid blank slate.

"Shinji," she said and his heart jumped to his throat. She looked so tired, like she could fall over at any moment and he just felt like wrapping his arm around her shoulder and leading her slowly to the bed. Instead he stood there and he gawked at her and he'd never felt more awkward and confused. She walked towards him and then past him as she closed the door; a soft metallic click as the latch closed and then she walked back towards him and finally collapsed. Her arms were around his back as she was leaning heavily into him, putting her head on his shoulder and he was so full of _her_ that he couldn't think of what to do.

Despite it all, it felt good. It felt right. And he didn't know what to do or what to think or what to say because this moment is too complete.

"I'm so glad you're here," she whispered softly, in a moist, warm and wet breath against a spot on his neck. He felt that even he couldn't comprehend the enormity of her sincerity. He wanted to move his arms and put them around her, but he couldn't bring himself to do it, because he's afraid that if he did move he'd wake up and ruin the moment. "They're watching us," she whispered, catching him a bit off guard. He attempted to turn his head but her voice stopped him quickly.

"Don't look." There was a quiet urgency in her tone, like a whispered plea one would say in the dark of the night after waking from a bad dream. "It's in the upper left hand corner of the room, to my left not yours. We're going to sit down on the bed in a moment and I want you to sit down with your back to the camera. Tuck your legs under you."

If it weren't for the fact that this was happening to him, Shinji would have thought this was taken straight out of one of those awful movies he and Toji and Kensuke would watch about spies and wrongfully accused. "Then I'm going to sit down across from you and do the same. If you line up just right with the camera they won't be able to see either of our faces. Do you understand?"

"Is this really necessary?"

"Shinji, just do it, please. I need you to help me. If you don't I…" her voice caught and she did not continue.

"Okay," he said. The two of them sat down and faced each other. The bed was a little smaller than he thought and they were rather close together, and in another time he would have blushed at the notion of sitting with _her _of all people, knees almost touching and the long overflowing sleeping gown hanging a bit low on the chest and her eyes watching him with such intensity; but the camera couldn't see their faces and that was good, because it was what she wanted. When she looked at him again he could see her desperation more clearly. There were hard lines in her face that had never been there before. That wavering look in her eyes scared him. And the way she kept glancing at random parts of the room but always bringing her gaze back. Back to him and to his eyes and right through him.

"Shinji I don't know what to do, they've done it now, they've finally done it and I don't know what to do."

Shinji was afraid. He grabbed at his wrist to try and stop it from shaking. It worked… a little.

"I went to sleep that night and I had her next to me. Because even if I'm mad at her I always keep her next to me." The desperate way she was looking at him reminded him of a small child lost in a store. It occurred to him for the first time, just how dependant on him she was.

"They gave me my medicine and some water and the water tasted funny and I was so sleepy and I think that Asuka said something and I simply tucked her in, but I woke up in the middle of the night. I remembered this pinching feeling on my arm but right afterwards I fell back to sleep. Then I woke up and she wasn't there and I feared the worst. I looked everywhere… of course I did. I looked in the dresser, under the bed, in the hallways, I snuck into the other patients' rooms, and then I walked into the community room, and the utility closet, and when I tried to get behind the nurse's station they told me to go back to my room, but I snuck back there later and I still couldn't find her. So I got scared, and I asked them where she was. I tried to be nice, I really did. You know I'm nice Shinji, so I tried to be nice. But they wouldn't tell me where she was. They kept saying she was gone and they called her a doll. I hated it. I really tried. But they kept going, they said I was her and they wouldn't tell me where she went. I was so desperate… I just… I couldn't do anything but scream. Do you know what it's like to be so powerless that all you can do is scream?"

Shinji knew, but he couldn't say anything because she wouldn't stop and let him. She continued to talk in a quick frenzy and the more she said the more he shook. Somewhere along the line her hand had landed on his leg. And further down the line his hand was in hers. She squeezed hard, but he didn't care. It took the shaking down a peg, but what he really wanted was to leave. Because she was so fragile and scared that he was sure he would break her. And if she broke he'd fall to pieces. But she didn't care. She continued to speak.

"I'm helpless Shinji. She's out there by herself and I don't know what they're doing to her. She. Needs. Me. They don't understand it, but she needs me. Who's going to feed her? Who's going to change her clothes and make up her hair? Who's she going to talk to when she can't talk to anyone else?"

"Who's going to take care of her, Shinji?"

Hot angry tears were pouring from her eyes. It wasn't fair because he wanted to do something to make her stop. _Why wasn't he doing something?_

So he squeezed her hand a little. And when he did it, she paused to take a deep breath and close her eyes. When she opened them she was still looking at him and in that moment it occurred to him that aside from blinking neither of them had bothered to really look away from each other. Suddenly he wanted to look around the room. He wished he hadn't. It was a bit of a mess, with dresser drawers pulled out of place and clothing strewn all about and-

"Don't look at them!" she hissed. It took him a second to realize she was talking about the camera. When he looked back at her face she was staring up at it with a hatred that seemed so eerily familiar. But then she looked back at him and shuffled her position so that she was hidden from it again.

"I know they have her." A statement so simple, with spite so real. He wished she wouldn't act this way. He couldn't take her self-righteous fury. "They always said they would take her and now they've finally done it."

She stopped talking and there was silence. He had to speak and he didn't know what to say. He knew, _he knew_ that when he spoke he would say something wrong. And when he said that one wrong thing, she would tear him to pieces. So all he could do was trust the silence, which was more damning than speech and hope against all hopes that she would fill the void.

"I need your help, Shinji."

"Asuka I…"

"It's not your fault what happened to her. But I'm scared Shinji. Do you see my eyes? I'm scared Shinji and I need your help."

They told him to be firm. They told him not to buy into her fantasies anymore. That by going along with her fictional reality he was only serving to enable her. He realized all these things, these words from authority, and he recognized them as true. But he was weak.

"I'll help you."

"Oh thank you Shinji!" Her relief was palpable in the air. She reached across their laps and touched his face. Lightly caressing his cheek. He felt like he was violating her. Like he was the worst person in the world. He pulled back slightly, but she didn't care. She was so happy that someone was on her side that he could have slapped her and she wouldn't care. And to him it was so very very wrong.

"Can you help me look?"

She held onto his face as she asked and again it was as if she was looking through him. He was positive that she saw him there and she must know what a horrible horrible person he was because he could not help her look for what didn't exist and he couldn't help her find someone that wasn't alive. And when she found this out there'd be pain so he delayed as long as he could.

"W-where would you want me to look?" _if I were to look._

"In the Chief Administrator's office," she said. She whispered so lightly. Her lips hardly moved.

"What makes you think it's there?" _Because I can't go_

"It's the only place I haven't looked."

"But I don't know if I can do it…"

"It's okay, I'll tell you how."

"But what if, what if they took her for a reason?"

"Does it matter? She needs us now Shinji. Asuka needs you to help her."

"I… God… maybe I… maybe she's not the one who needs help…" The gasp she let out was reason enough for him to fear. "I don't know how to… please don't look at me like that, I just… maybe it's you they're trying to help."

"Shinji?" she asked looking at him almost wildly. "What are you saying?"

"I know you want to help Asuka but… I-we all just want to help _you_."

"No…" she said and she was doing it again. She was digging her nails against the tissue of his heart. And it burned him inside when she looked at him like that and gnawed on his soul like chicken fat. She let go of his hand and she backed away from him to the farthest part of the bed. And her hands went to the sides of her head. The look she gave him was so… disappointed. "Not you too, Shinji."

"But Asu-"

"No."

"We just want you to get better," he said taking a deep breath. He wished it wasn't so hard to come clean. "_I _Just want you to get better Asuka."

But that name was more than just a mistake.

"Don't you ever call me that!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, eyes tightly shut and mouth opened in an animalistic snarl full of hatred, wrath, and rage.

"Asuka please don't-"

"You're just like the rest of them. I can't believe it." With her hands, she guided her head into her lap to shield it from the harshness of reality. As she stared blankly at her legs he could see her shaking with sobs. His eyes were burning as well.

"We're just trying to make you like you used to be. We just want to help you because you're… you're lost Asuka, you're so lost. And we want to help you." He hated himself for repeating that so much, because he knew that at times like this it sounded so flat and wooden.

"I want to find you Asuka. I… God would you just look at me? I want to…"

He trailed off there, because he didn't really know what he wanted just then. But then this feeling came to mind, one that served to intensify the already violent stirrings of his insides. And he just wanted that warmth that he felt the last time. That knowledge that he could be close to her and that he could hold her and that she wanted the same thing too. And the way the nurse came in and woke him and he blushed so much, but she just smiled at him as if it was the sweetest thing she'd ever seen- _forget those stupid rules, the administration has no heart_- and he thought that maybe just maybe it was. So he reached out his hand and placed it on her shoulder and fell…

He fell so far down when she slapped his hand away. He hit the bottom when she began to scream. "Where's Asuka?" She screamed. "Bring me Asuka!" she yelled and he felt his stomach churn with bile. When the orderly came in and asked him to leave he stared at her and stared at her and tried so hard to see her through the tears. "Look at me," he said. "Please look at me!" because she couldn't see him anymore. He was nothing to her, just like everyone else. It made so much sense to him that the orderly would grab him and take him out of the room because even though she was the one that was screaming it was he that was in the wrong.

He didn't fight this time. At least he thought he didn't. It had happened in a flurry of movement and flashes; she had jumped over him and was making her way out when another orderly suddenly materialized himself out the door and tackled her.

It was funny that someone as burly at this guy was having trouble pinning down a girl half his size and nearly a quarter of his weight, but Asuka fought for all she had. She fought and squirmed and bit and punched and kicked all the time screaming and grunting and crying and shrieking and then another orderly came in and then another.

She was now being dragged to the bed the three orderlies carrying her, two holding her arms and waist while the other one had her twisting legs.

The last thing he saw was a doctor coming inside with a syringe as the orderlies now had Asuka pinned down to her bed, securing her hands on the overboard restraints, legs still flailing and screaming in that familiar mix of German and English and Japanese curses and the man dragged him; he dragged him and Shinji didn't fight at all. Not until they brought him to the chair in the waiting room and the guy told him to have some composure and pull himself together and the nurse said that it's okay and it would all be alright, only then did he start to fight.

He pushed back the tears and the aching and the pain just far enough to where the nurse and the guy would leave him alone. And he told them he was alright and that he'd be just fine, and that no he wasn't waiting for his guardian, but that if she came by to tell her that he left early and that he was okay and not to worry.

No he did not need a ride, but he was very thankful to them for offering, and he was extremely sorry that they had to see him act that way and that it would never happen again- no not until the next time- and they should both have a nice day. He thanked them for being so kind and reminding him how shameful it was to let the rest of the world see his heart bleed.

The walk home was very very long and he used it to not think. No he could not almost feel her hand on his face, and no her screaming voice wasn't ringing in his ear. But the grass on that tree lawn sure did need a cut, and those people should really put up a sign about that dog: he was out of control. His legs really were starting to get sore because it was almost all uphill, but that was just him complaining and he should really stop complaining because he had nothing to complain about; the weather was pretty nice. A little hot for his liking but if the wind blew just the right way… oh was it nice.

When nothing was in sight, Shinji would focus on his feet going one in front of the other as he made his way to the train station. It was sort of interesting in a way. How one of his shoelaces had come a bit untied and would drag behind as that foot moved forward. He tried to take in everything. Like how cracked the street was, and how lonely the shopping district seemed in the aftermath of it all, how people seemed to be happy, but you could see the effort that went into their smiles. The same sort of effort you would expect to see from a store clerk asking if he could help you, or a worker in a fast-food restaurant or

_A doctor, or a doll._

He quickened his walk and hopped up on the train running as if trying to outrun the thoughts he wasn't having. Luckily his train had just pulled into the station, so he took a seat near the back where no one else was. He almost pulled out his SDAT to listen to some music but decided he would keep looking out the window and focus on the passing fields of golden grass and liquid gold in the ponds, as the high noon sun gave way to the setting sun.

When he reached the apartment he found it to be empty and he knew Misato had made it home before him because her work shoes were on the mat and that one pair that she liked to wear out on evenings was gone. She wasn't avoiding him because she had a social life like any reasonable person of her age, and it wasn't her fault that she liked to go out and why should she be penalized if he didn't see too much of her anymore. He could take care of himself, just like he took care of the dishes, which had piled up much too high. He hated it when Misato didn't rinse out the pots because it took forever to scrub off that burnt ramen. But when he got it off he felt accomplished and it was nice to know that he'd done something right, that he _could_ do something right – but he does _lots_ of things right and he shouldn't think that way. Homework is easy and he does it pretty fast, but he's not too sure about the answers because he didn't really pay that much attention. Maybe that's why it's easy: he really doesn't care. In any case, it goes by quick and the clock goes by slow and it's only 5:00 and his eyes are burning in his skull. He wanted to sleep, and he probably could have but he's afraid to go in his room because he knows what's in there.

There's only nothing. A void without-

TV.

It's pretty boring. Why do people watch these shows anyway? What's so "real" about this world? And if some drunk guy started yelling at him all the time he wouldn't know what to do- _run away_- but he would always come back as long as they treated him right in the mornings and maybe those people aren't so fake after all, just really drunk and sort of stupid, but either way he'd never make it through casting calls. And gosh there's nothing on.

Had he really been up that long? Is it already 11?

He had to get up in the morning. The teacher was always on his back for sleeping and being so tired. He wished he had a good excuse, but he never could lie like Toji or Kensuke. He left the TV on and put on his SDAT. The music was familiar. Sometimes his head would bob and sometimes his fingers would tap. And it was all a bit like a hum in the throat that sort of projected outward and infected the air and sucked back inward to fill his body with each and every note. And if he listened real hard sometimes he heard little bits of the song that he never heard before. It was rather interesting to hear these parts and it was almost like the song was new again.

But is it really 2 already? Did he doze off or something? He must have and he told Misato that he was sorry that she had to wake him. That sad look on her face told him that she knew something was wrong- though really he had no reason to feel bad- and she told him to get some sleep, he looked like the walking dead. He tried to smile at her joke and bid her goodnight and sat there staring at the now blank TV screen because she had turned it off when she found him there.

And he had to go to his room because if Misato found him sleeping there again she'd give him that sad look and he'd have to feel bad. But he was not avoiding his room so much as dreading it because to avoid something means that there's a chance of not seeing it. So he forced himself to get up- each limb felt like a ton of bricks- and when he got to his room he closed the door and locked it. But why did he lock it? Because he can't escape what he's here to do and it doesn't matter if he tries not to or tries hard to because even though he pushed it back, it's all coming out sooner or later.

But no! God no! He was not going to do it again. He couldn't because- _it's hard to see you like that_- just because she hurt him didn't mean he had to hurt himself. And it wasn't his fault. He only wanted to help her and _he told them_ she needed it but now he wasn't so sure what she needed anymore. And if he was just going to bed, then he really should turn off the light because when you're sleeping you don't need to see anything. Like her pleading eyes, or her burning hatred, or that one time when she dared to smile. So he turned off the lights and stayed in the darkness and looked around and saw all the nothing all around. Closing his eyes didn't help because behind each lid lay the nothingness and in front of each eye lay the nothingness because it was everywhere.

And- _stop it stop it stop it!_

He was too old for this, and he had to be a man because- _I need your help Shinji thank god you're here- _so why couldn't he pull his hands away to stop himself from being seen (_by what?_). And it's kind of funny how even now she could care so much one second and then push him down the next.

It was sorta like rolling down that hill. The other kids didn't let him play with them. No, they didn't stop him. He could just tell they didn't like it when he was around, it was in their eyes and the way they would all hurdle together and show their backs to him. But they let him watch, because no one cared if he wasn't in the way.

The hill couldn't have been that big and the kids all seemed to really have fun daring each other to see who could get down the fastest, daring each and everyone of them and Shinji would have given anything for one of them to come up to him and dare him, calling him a chicken or a wimp as they jokingly did each other.

But no one came and when they left he gave it a try because it really did look like a heck of a lot of fun. The way they screamed and yelled and laughed, and most of them rarely got hurt, just a few small cuts when they did.

So he clutched his arms tight to his sides and lied himself down in the grass telling himself to "Go… now… now… now…" and he had to convince himself of all the reasons he had to let go.

_**"Where is Asuka?"**_

And then he was rolling and it was something that shocked him greatly. It was slow going at first and very bumpy and he couldn't remember why he wanted to do it in the first place. Suddenly he wanted to stop, but he told himself that he had to go because all the other kids- _you're just like the rest of them- _all went down and they had so much fun.

And suddenly the ground was whizzing underneath him, and his vision blurred with flashes of grass and mud and sky and grass and mud and sky again. And the ride stayed bumpy and he only picked up more speed and it began to hurt so much that he couldn't believe a pain like this could exist inside of him. The faster he went the worse he felt and he screamed and he yelled and he thrashed about and the bitterness in his heart increased and he couldn't think of anyone whose life he wouldn't trade places with in a second, just to end this ride, just to end this pain. Because he was hurting himself and if other people hurt you and you hurt yourself then who's going to love you?

_Are you alright… can I come in… Please open the door… don't do this Shinji…_

But that didn't keep him from rolling along, because the rolling now felt like falling.

Because he was caught up in the downward decent and in that constant turning motion and he tried not to break anything too important and he tried not to make her worry too much, but he was stuck. No, it couldn't have been such a big hill at all, but as he reached the bottom he realized one frightening truth.

He didn't know how to stop.


	3. Chapter 3

**When She Smiles**

**Chapter 3**

When Shinji woke up he found himself staring at a wall hunched in a corner of his room with his knees drawn up to his chest. It didn't take him long to realize what a stupid position this was to be in. And yet it took him all of 5 minutes to convince himself to move. He stood up slowly, carefully as if he was afraid to fall over, and he surveyed the room.

Ha, I made a mess

He laughed. It wasn't very funny but he forced himself because when you laugh it's much harder to tell if the world is laughing with you or at you. But laughing wasn't the most pleasant experience as it alerted him to how weak and fragile he felt. His eyes felt dry and stingy and his stomach ached when he moved funny, or when bent over, or when he breathed. He ignored all this because it was time to clean.

He gathered up the pillows and sheets that were strewn about the floor and began to make his bed. After he finished with that, he moved over to his dresser and put the drawers back in. Luckily he had avoided knocking most of the clothes out, so the process didn't take that long. It was kind of gross putting all the trash back in the overturned trashcan. He tried to keep his hands away from the sticky stuff and use the paper to grab onto all the gum and tissues (particularly those with visual signs of usage). This alone was enough to make him somewhat regret his hasty choice of objects to vandalize, but he didn't feel guilty until he found the necklace with the cross hanging on it lying on the floor with its chain broken. He promptly picked it up and put it on his nightstand and not around his neck. He didn't need anyone else's burdens to bear.

After that there wasn't much to do. So he sat on his bed and stared at the door. He must have sat there for half an hour just staring before he decided to face the inevitable. By then it was getting late and if he didn't hurry up he'd have to miss school. And that was the one thing she wouldn't allow him to do. She'd tolerate his moods, let him destroy his room and burry himself in solitude, but she'd never let him skip a single day of school.

Irony. Better face her now.

He opened the door a crack.

"Oh Shinji."

He wished she wouldn't sit there right outside the door like that. Like everything was hinging on when he'd show his face again. It made him feel guiltier than ever. Sometimes when he was feeling particularly mistrusting, he thought that that might be her intentions. But he always felt bad about such thoughts later. Misato, for all her faults and flaws, was a very nice person.

"Hey," he threw out weakly. His voice sounded shallow to his own ears. His throat felt soar.

"Hey," said Misato back with a sad wavering smile. She stood up from her spot on the floor and moved so that he could open the door. When he finally came out into the hallway a pair of arms came around him, just as he knew they would. It was always sort of peculiar the way she pressed herself into him. His nose didn't quite clear her shoulder so half his face was stuck there. One of her hands found its way behind his head, while the other stayed at the small of his back. Both of them constantly pulling him in. Pushing him against her with consistent force.

She smelled like perfume, smoke, and sweat. Her shirt tasted like cotton. He wished he'd had time to close his mouth. Her hands felt warm and damp and soft and springy like wet temper foam straight out of the microwave. Her hair fell loosely around them both like a loose mesh shield against reality. And her voice, when she spoke so softly that he almost couldn't hear, it was like a river flowing over jagged rocks. A dangerous thing of motion and beauty.

This was his forgiveness. This was his punishment.

"It's always been so hard for you," she said. "I wish you'd let me in there so I could help, but I know you want to deal with these things alone. You never did know how to share yourself with others and I understand that. I respect that. But I think you should see the doctor again. I know you said he didn't help, but maybe you should see him anyways. Sometimes I wonder if I should see him myself. We're all having such a hard time now aren't we? But we'll make it through this because we always do."

She never let up on her embrace.

"I wish I could ask Ritsuko what to do. She never did have any of the answers. That woman, for all her intelligence, knew just as little as I did. But when I asked her something and she didn't know the answer, I knew that it was a problem that would stump anyone and it wasn't just me being too stupid to figure it out."

She laughed softly and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'd even ask Kaji if he were here. The man was about as unreliable as anyone could be, but if nothing else he'd give an honest perspective. He'd tell me if I was screwing this up or if it was just messed up to begin with. But he's not here anymore and it's funny because I convinced myself long ago that I wouldn't miss him."

Her hand stopped moving through his hair and she clutched him harder than ever. Though his nose hurt, Shinji didn't say anything.

"I don't have any friends Shinji. I've told you that before. Most of the people I grew to care about are dead and I'm sure that's something you can understand. You're smarter than a lot of people give you credit for. Still, sometimes I think that something will happen. Something bad. I think that one day we'll go to the institution and Asuka won't be there anymore. And sometimes I think that you'll lock yourself in your room one day and you'll never come out."

She paused.

"I hide the knives. Did you ever notice? I know it's dumb because there's tons of other ways you could do it, but every time you go to see her I always hide the knives."

Another pause.

"But you wouldn't do that to me Shinji. I know you wouldn't, so why should I be so worried?"

She finally let him go. To his credit, he only took a few steps backwards.

"You wouldn't do that to me, would you Shinji?"

"No, Misato," he didn't meet her eyes. "You know I wouldn't."

"You're a good kid. I made you breakfast."

"Thanks."

"It's one of those frozen ones."

"Hmm."

"The ones with those fake eggs, and the sausage and pancakes."

"Oh."

"I know you like them."

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Eat fast or you'll be late."

"I know."

"I wish you'd let me in."

* * *

Everyone changed a bit after the incident. Nothing too major, nothing too minor. Just enough to notice and feel. Friendships felt awkward. Relationships crumbled and resurrected at random. The border of individuality was breached and things could never be the same.

But everyone had to tell someone. When you realize something so undeniably true and profound you have to tell it. Though most couldn't bring themselves to tell it to the person whom it concerned, they at least told it to a close acquaintance or maybe even a stranger. It didn't really matter because it had to get out.

Oddly enough it was Toji who was the first to ever tell Shinji. It had been an awkward and stuffy moment. The two of them hadn't seen each other since the activation of Eva Unit-03 and it was a little like walking on a tight-rope: all about the balance.

It had been about a month since most people had come back, when they finally started classes again. They saw each other for the first time right after the bell rang for lunch. As he stood up to leave, Shinji saw Toji there sitting in the back row, meeting his eyes, smiling half-heartedly, and waving a little. Shinji thought about waving back and walking out of the room. He didn't want to push things too fast. But instead he slowed down a bit and waited for his friend to catch up with him.

Toji said, "Hi."

"Hi," said Shinji back.

And it was clear to both that this was an introduction, not a reunion. They walked together through the halls, passing groups of other loss looking students as they all scrambled about in the sea of broken cliques. As they passed the courtyard they watched in mild amusement as the students scattered themselves around the area, eating in groups of two's and three's, no longer comfortable with large masses. Shinji thought on commenting, but decided against it. It wasn't funny, or ironic. It just made sense.

Besides, it really didn't matter. The two of them weren't headed for the courtyard. They marched themselves single-file up the steps to the roof. Four perfectly healthy legs climbing stairs and four perfectly healthy arms holding handrails. When they reached the top, they each took a position leaning against a guardrail. Shinji with his head on his arms and his arms folded on the rail and Toji with his back to it, looking toward the stairwell. It was a while before Shinji gained the courage to talk.

"You're not hurt…" he said sounding almost disappointed in his bewilderment. Toji glanced down at his legs and grabbed at both of his arms.

"Yeah, I'm good as new."

"But your arm… and your leg."

Toji shrugged. "I don't get it either. They feel just like before. Like they're the exact same… I'm not complaining."

Shinji shrugged as well. It made about as much sense as Misato's missing gun wounds and Asuka's non-mangled body. All he could think of was this television special he'd seen on stem-cell research. At least the impact was good for something, right?

"Have you seen Kensuke?" Toji asked, glancing at him from the corners of his eyes. Shinji shook his head. "Me neither. I figure he's probably still in there."

"Hmm"

"You think he's coming out?" asked Toji.

Shinji shook his head. "I don't know."

"Yeah, but most of us did, didn't we?" No answer was given. "I think he's coming back. Yeah, I'm sure of it."

Shinji opted to keep quiet. He looked down over his fellow classmates sitting in the courtyard. Most of them eating quietly. Making small conversation about small insignificant things. None of them touching. Few of them laughing. All of them nervous and some of them scared. It made sense…. It all made sense.

"It's strange, ain't it?" asked Toji. He had turned around to gaze down at them as well. "We used to all be so close, right? But when you have it all laid out for you like that… it changes things don't it."

_When you have it all laid out._ Shinji had never thought of it that way. The almost instantaneous access to knowledge of yourself. Seeing everyone as they are seen through the eyes of all and one at once. Like looking through a microscope with a magnifying glass. Is it closer or farther? Clear or cloudy? Or is everything painstakingly the same?

"I don't remember much," said Toji.

Shinji blinked twice before saying, "Me neither."

"But sometimes I get these impressions, ya know? Like these feelings about people who I don't even know. Or there's some things I know how to do that I don't remember learning." Toji laughed a little. "I mean it's not like I learned how to do rocket science or nothing. But I can tie a pretty good knot now. Never could before. But now I can give a woodsman a run for his money. And I know your birthday. Never knew that before either."

Shinji shrugged, but instantly regretted it. He was afraid the action was beginning to look stupid. "I try not to think about it too much," he offered. It was the only advice he really had.

"Yeah, you're right," said Toji. "It's only the small stuff that you really remember. But it's enough isn't it? It's enough to make it hard."

They stood there for a while looking down below again. Shinji wondered if any of the people down there were having similar conversations. It was a very likely thing. The two of them stood in silence until Toji finally said the one thing that Shinji feared he'd say all along.

"I saw my mom," he said, still gazing out over the rail. "Before it all happened. She was the last thing I saw. She smiled at me and… I don't know. I remembered that smile. From like, when I was a kid. I remembered that look she gave me. She didn't say anything though. She just stood there and smiled. Then she opened her arms and I had this feeling. I… I knew things would be different. She was going to take care of things like she used to do. She was going to look after me and Mari. Heck, she was going to _cure _the girl. She'd stay at home and always be there for us, not just come around when she felt like it the way Dad always did." Shinji watched the far off look plastered on his face with mild disbelief. He'd never known Toji to look so out of it. But as he continued to speak his expression calmed down a bit. Yet this too felt out of place.

"She walked towards me with her arms outstretched and I could hardly wait for her to reach me and take me up in her arms. And when she got there… I don't remember ever feeling so relieved."

A silence settled over them. Toji never quite stopped staring out over the rail. But he threw little sideline glances Shinji's way as if looking for some sort of response. A minute passed. Then another. And another. And then Shinji realized what he was expected to say.

"Toji, I-"

"Let's head back to the classroom."

Toji never tried to talk to him about anything too serious after that. The two ate lunch together everyday at school and even went to see some old movies they were showing at the theater on weekends. But things didn't quite feel like they used to. It helped when Kensuke came back a month or so later.

Shinji didn't really know why he didn't tell Toji. It just didn't seem right at the time. If he had opened his mouth to speak, it would have felt fake and contrived. He hadn't expected Toji to just come out with it like that. He forced his hand and Shinji didn't know what cards to put down. It wasn't easy like with Hikari. And it wasn't necessary like with Misato.

Misato was the first person he told. She was also the only person he told everything. He told her about Asuka's mangled Eva in gory detail. And he told her about the feelings of pure terror and rage. The fear was important. To know how little of a grip he had on things once she was finally gone. He didn't hold back a thing from Misato. He couldn't really. He owed her too much. He robbed her of the sight.

He felt genuine guilt for the fact that she didn't have an opportunity to see anyone in her final moments. She was already unconscious. Already gone. And he was the one to blame for that. Because of him she'd never have the knowledge, the absolute certainty, of who was the most important person in her world.

"I would have seen you," she had said and he thought it was honestly the nicest thing anyone had ever said to him. He could tell by the tone of her voice and that soft genuine embrace that she really wanted to believe it was true. He wanted to believe it too, but sometimes it was harder to buy than others. The two of them felt really close after she said that. Probably closer than they had ever been before.

They told each other horrible secrets, things better left unsaid. Each of them spilling their guts for minutes and hours until the words refused to flow. The other would listen intently and try to pretend that their problems were just as important as their own. They would offer words of comfort and the occasional hug or light touch. And sometimes, when things got really desperate, they'd give a shoulder to cry on.

Shinji told her of the confusion and the loneliness, before all the other people started to come back. About watching Asuka's mind slowly waste away. Misato told him of times long past. Of late night cram sessions with Ritsuko and random dates with Kaji. About the disaster of the second impact and horrors of NERV. And worst of all, the times in-between. The loneliness of the post-collegiate days. Of nights spent alone in a messy apartment drinking herself to sleep. No one wanted to hire a combat strategist in times of peace. No matter how gifted or talented she was said to be. But she busied herself entertaining guests. In one door and out the other. A night's comfort traded for a morning worth of regrets. And even though she never took them seriously, she always wondered why none of them ever seemed to want to stay.

She told Shinji these things and he was always listening. He was always there. And at some point, he stopped finding horrible things to tell her back. So he listened carefully and never interrupted. And whenever she looked at him he watched in amazement as her face transformed into something like love. The more terrible things she said the more he could see that she loved him. And the more she seemed to drink, the more things she was willing to freely share.

That's what ended it really. She was just drunk enough for the alcohol to be an excuse, but not quite enough for either of them to dismiss it as nonsense.

"I feel so alone," she said and she held onto him tight. "I'm so glad you're here. I don't think I could have taken it if it were Asuka and not you."

He broke away from her then and they both looked each other square in the eyes. Both their faces showed shock, but only Misato's showed fear.

"I'm sorry," she said and Shinji just stared at her and stared at her and stared.

"That came out all wrong," she said and it hurt how much he wanted to believe her.

He said, "it's okay," but of course it wasn't.

She stopped drinking a few days later, but things were never quite the same.

That's probably why he liked Hikari so much. She was if nothing else consistent.

* * *

There is something to be said about the way she worked her peers. It was something more than the appearance of authority granted her by her position. And while many people, lost as they were in their own particular hang ups, clung to the unwavering dictation that naturally comes along with a working system, her appeal stretched beyond that as well. Understanding was the key. When people talked, Hikari listened. She nodded in all the right places, smiled when necessary, and dealt out her fair share of comfort as well. The way she read their needs was astounding.

Take Kensuke, for instance. The impact hadn't been very kind to him at all. His confidence was shaken and his dreams were shattered. For a while it had been a sad thing to watch. Though he was far from broken, it was easy to see his evident confusion. When he took to hanging out with Shinji and Toji, both of them could tell that the fire seemed to be gone. A person like Kensuke needed passion. They searched desperately for something to idolize, something to aspire to. For him it had been piloting the Eva, and the impact had roughly swept that dream away. The answer to this problem was simpler than expected. Hikari just gave him an assignment. She asked him quite nicely to do a small cinematic diary of the classes last year in junior high. Kensuke liked to film things. It was as simple as that. A fire rekindled.

Hikari's seemingly miraculous empathy skills were tempered by restraint. She knew not to overdo it. It wasn't important to make friends. Most of the people who needed her services already had enough trouble trying to communicate with the friends they did have. The trick was to simply be there when needed and absent when not. She held her cards close to her chest, and only played on the winning hands.

The 7th grade girls she ate lunch with on the other hand might as well be wearing mirrored glasses. They all sat in the grass in a circular pattern, gossiping among each other in conspiratorial whispers. They put up a strong front for the people around them, but they were probably the people who required Hikari's help the most. There wasn't a single one of them who had not privately approached the girl with some secret problem or another. Shinji knew from Hikari's minor confidences that underneath it all these girls where probably more fragile than anyone. Yet even with that knowledge and his two-year age advantage Shinji was afraid to approach the group.

They had a sort of routine. He slowly shuffled himself into a position behind Hikari. Each time he knew that he should say or do something to alert her to his presence, yet each time he opted not to. Eyes would be drawn in his direction, conversation would abruptly cease, the world stopped spinning upon its axis, and Hikari would finally turn around to see his somewhat downcast face.

"Oh, hi Shinji," she said as if five or six other girls weren't carefully analyzing every word spoken. There was a bit of a rumor going on about the two of them. A rumor that Shinji had to vehemently deny during one especially awkward conversation with Toji and a spectator Kensuke.

"Hey," Shinji said as if he was being watched by a football stadium full of people on free hat night. Everyone present found it odd how he tried to direct his greeting toward the entire group. He stared at the ground next to her legs and hoped that no one noticed him chewing on the inside of his mouth. "Are you… busy or anything?"

Luckily for Shinji, there was no audible laughter and his head was at just the right angle to miss all the smiles and smirks.

"No, I'm not busy."

"Can we talk for a bit… if that's okay." Again, awkwardly addressing everyone.

Hikari dished out a few apologetic glances before rising to her feet.

"Sure Shinji… we can talk."

* * *

They took their seats beneath the roof overhanging and leaned their backs up against the wall. Shinji opted to fold his legs under himself while Hikari kept her legs outstretched, no bend in the knees at all. It wasn't particularly comfortable sitting on the hard blacktop as opposed to the grassy area where they could still see most students eating their lunches. But do to the overhanging there was quite a bit of shade and with it came a perceived sense of privacy. Though they were clearly visible to anyone sitting in the courtyard the line of shadow cast upon the ground served as a mental barrier between them and those who ate out in the sun.

For a while Shinji merely sat there staring at the weeds cracking through the asphalt. He knew that Hikari was staring at him because he could feel her gaze on his face. He knew that when he looked over to meat her eyes, he would see that subtle anxiety of anticipation plastered throughout her expression. Because Shinji Ikari did not invite Hikari Horaki into the secluded shade to 'hang out'. He was merely there to get away.

"She had another episode," he said as he turned his head slightly to the side. Through the corner of his left eye he could see her hand reach toward her mouth. It warmed something inside of him to see her react so purely.

"Is she alright?" asked Hikari. There was naked worry in her tone. Shinji found the way she worried to be a refreshing change from his guardian's. Misato knew nothing of restraint, tending toward the extremes. When she worried about something she either leaned toward unsatisfying dismissal, or near total desperation. But Hikari had it down just right. There was just enough fear present to let you know that she cared, but she never made him feel as if his words or actions could break her. Her concern was a thing of beauty. In fact, if Shinji had to choose one person (and one person only) to cause worry to for the rest of his life, it would most certainly be Hikari.

"She's okay," he said feeling both awkward and strangely energized by the attention he was receiving from the girl. He turned his head farther to more clearly see the relief as it washed over her face. "It was just a minor seizure this time. Not nearly as bad as the last one."

"Thank God," said the girl and she leaned back up against the wall, her body relaxing for the first time. Shinji watched as she breathed softly for several moments, letting the realization that her one-time friend's life was again endangered and again spared sink in. Sometimes Shinji feels guilty for the emotional roller coaster he puts her through, even if she almost begged him for it at first. But guilt didn't bother him as much as it used to. It was relatively easy to ignore… usually.

"Why does this keep happening?" she asked and Shinji mildly cringed. "Didn't they say the seizures would stop?"

Only a handful of people exist that Hikari would be willing to share that sort of desperation with. There was a reason she was staring at him so openly and expectantly. As irrational as it may be, she somehow knew that he would not let her down. He would not leave her there feeling sad and depressed over the state of her friend, because that was just something Shinji was incapable of. Hikari trusted him to cut the dosage of desperation with a healthy portion of hope. And with her limited knowledge kept to a minimum by her non-connection to NERV, she had no way of knowing just how heavily her hope was laced with delusion.

His voice was even enough when he said, "The doctors say they're very close to figuring out what's wrong with her."

"That's what they said before."

Though he suddenly felt the desire to cough into his hands, Shinji resisted and said, "But this time they're almost positive."

"Really?"

Only minor hesitation then, "Really."

Hikari's face lifted. This time the cough couldn't be contained.

"They say her health is really improving. And… and they say that another seizure isn't very likely at all."

"That's great news!" said Hikari, as Shinji subtly cleared his throat.

"Also she really is looking a lot more healthy." He carefully tracked the ascension of the corners of Hikiari's lips. "It's only a… a matter of time before she can come home again."

"It's about time!" said Hikari letting out a surprisingly airy giggle. She covered her mouth quickly as if shamed by the sounds escaping her. And despite himself, Shinji couldn't help but twitch his lips into the barest of smiles. But the girl recovered quickly. "Does this mean I can go see her soon?"

The mirth left her features as she witnessed the rapid death of Shinji's smile.

"Well… they still aren't allowing regular visitors… it's just… NERV policy and all… sorry."

Hikari conjured up her best 'no big deal face'.

"It's okay. I understand. They have rules."

"Yeah…" said Shinji. He was beginning to find the asphalt interesting again. But then an idea struck.

"You know, she asked about you the last time I visited."

Hikari looked momentarily puzzled before asking, "Did she?"

He reflexively nodded his head. "She wanted to know how you're doing." The look of puzzlement persisted. "She seemed… interested."

Finally Hikari's smile returned and Shinji felt like he had just then begun to breathe again.

"Next time you see her, tell her I'm doing just fine and that she should try and get healthy as soon as possible."

Again Shinji was forced to smile. He said, "Sure."

And just like that, whatever spell that magically allowed him to calmly and rationally interface with a girl came abruptly to an end. Both of them discretely looked away and the two of them felt a mutual air of finality.

"Well…" said Hikari placing her hands on the ground in an effort to stand up. "I guess I better get back to my friends. Who knows what they're saying about me while I'm gone?"

Shinji couldn't contain a blush as he rose to his feet. "I should get back to Toji and Kensuke too, I guess. I just wanted to make sure you knew what was happening… didn't want to leave you in the dark or anything."

He watched Hikari's face carefully as she cast her eyes to either side of her vision. Despite confirming her semi-fear that someone was watching them, she took a small shy step forward. And though he knew it was coming (he'd even come to expect it) Shinji took a sharp intake of breath as her arms circled around his back. It wasn't like Misato's hugs. There was no sense of need. Nor was it desperate like the hug he had received from The Girl. It was merely a light showing of affection, a token of appreciation. And somehow, despite the small nagging of guilt, his face was forced into another small smile. It grew into a silly half embarrassed grin when she said with her mouth right next to his ear, "Thank you."

Because everyone needs an escape sometimes.

* * *

**AN: **This is a bit of a set-up chapter, I know. It seems that with all the development necessary to put this whole story together, I am going to have to write a few more chapters than I had previous thought. Expect more plot and more explanations within the next chapter. Yes… I know that both microscopes and magnifying glasses magnify… but I couldn't think of anything that's meant to make things look further away, and I really liked the potential of that analogy. Sorry for the long long production time for such a short chapter… I had writers block like nobodies business.

Can't believe I forgot to mention this: Thanks to The Blair for pre-reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Here's another one. I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but it wasn't because I wasn't writing… well not completely because I wasn't writing. I was also working on my side project that I won't be posting until it's completed, so expect my posts to be slower. Yeah I know… you thought they couldn't get any slower… but they can. Enjoy!

**When She Smiles**

**Chapter 4**

Dr. Komatsu presented himself as my willing guide to the system. Patience is the key, he says and these are the words he lives by. It's not a matter of cramming info or forcing progress. It's mostly a process of waiting. Waiting and accepting. Though some days I want to pull out my hair. I want to yell at the top of my lungs and say "this isn't working" or "that isn't true" but instead I wait. I breathe deeply, nod my head, and I tell Dr. Komatsu what is wrong in a clam and careful mater as the words burn me up inside. It's always painful, and it's always terribly slow. But when I talk to my doctor, my ambassador to reality, I feel it slowly ebb away. I remember that it's all an ends to a means.

The system is designed to make me a person. I've been assured time and time again that the system has been successful. Those who are willing to follow it can be whole. Though I have my grievances with it, I've grown to respect it as well. The system hurts but the system works. And in time I'll finally be who they want me to be.

The timing is the key.

No one can believe you when you're yelling wildly one moment, then claiming to be a person the next. There is no switch you can hit that will take you from being lost to being found. They humored me at first. Their words were soft and mocking. They asked me question after question. Analyzing and scrutinizing every word in every sentence.

"I am Asuka Langley Soryu", I said. And they would write on their notepads and scrunch up their brows and make small little noises in their throats. They could see me so easily through my mask made of glass. They each took turns shattering it with ease. Because as much as I knew, and as hard as I tried, I could not be her. And in the end it always came down to the same thing: me begging and pleading. A weak shell of need, crying uselessly on the floor.

They told me that a change is internal. You have to want it on the inside. You have to want it for yourself. "We cannot make you change" they told me. "We can only help you along". And for all their talk, I still didn't understand.

It wasn't until I sat down with Dr. Komatsu and really really _listened, _that I began to understand. The old man was the last person to believe my lies, so he was the first one I told the truth. I told him, "I don't want to be here anymore". I told him "I need to be where Asuka is." And he nodded and nodded for an eternity. I told him how she needed me. How I took care of her, and how nice it was to be the mother. Because the mother can be hard, and the mother can be soft, but the mother should always always care. I explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that the child needs the mother. Because who else can decide what's best for them? Who else has the right to decide how they live?

And he nodded and nodded and nodded, and wrote and wrote and wrote as the words poured out like blood shed anew. I told him of my confusion. Why I didn't understand what was required of me, how I couldn't understand why they wouldn't believe me. I explained to him that I was willing to be Asuka for them if they wanted me to and that was when he finally spoke.

The doctor told me something I'd have never expected to hear: They didn't want me to be Asuka at all. At least not the Asuka I was familiar with. They wanted me to simply be myself. But at the same time they thought that I should recognize Asuka. That I should try to come to grips with her past and understand her. It was a bizarre concept to me at first, but I slowly began to work with it.

The first step was in finding my name. They insisted that I be called Asuka. I wanted to argue and disagree, but I could tell they were not going to budge on that point. Dr. Komatsu explained that it was okay if I didn't feel like Asuka or even if I didn't act like her. It was fine for now to just be Asuka in name. Everything else would come later.

The doctor and I began to have daily sessions. He would ask me questions about her life and I would answer to the best of my ability. I tried to explain to him her motivation and her reasons for living the way she did, but sometimes it was harder than others. The information was so personal... I felt like I was betraying her in some ways. But I continued to tell the doctor as much as I could because he assured me that it would help me become whole.

Sometimes the doctor would ask me about myself. About the things I liked to do, the things that made me sad or happy. Even about minor things like my favorite color or what foods I liked to eat the most. I had a hard time answering these questions because they were things I'd never given much thought to. It frustrated me when I couldn't give Dr. Komatsu an answer because it felt like failure. And I'm not fond of failure. The doctor was always kind and patient when this happened, but a part of me could always tell that I'd somehow let him down. So when I couldn't think of a proper answer, I said whatever Asuka would say. It made things easier that way.

In a few weeks time they'd begun to trust me again. They only locked my room at night and I was allowed to mix freely with the other patients. They even said I could have visitors again... but I declined. I had embarrassed myself with Shinji in ways that I really don't want to think about. Seeing him then would have felt indecent. I no longer blamed him for what happened, but I didn't want him to see me like this. He would have to wait until I was stable and certain. And maybe then he would forgive me.

I have to admit that it was kind of lonely without his frequent visits. He used to come to see us often and it really brightened up the day. I didn't spend all my time moping and feeling lonesome though. I frequently talked to the nurses and orderlies when I got bored. And there was always Dr. Komatsu to talk to as well. I even spoke with some of the other residents of the hospital, though not very often.

I made one friend among the other patients. His name is Takashi and he's a ghost. He's much older than me and often quiet to the point of being easily ignored. I like talking to him sometimes because I feel odd when I don't talk to people often and because it makes him smile. His smiles are genuine and they're only for me. Since Takashi doesn't move much, sometimes I move for him. He opens his mouth for the nurses to feed him, but he does it a lot faster for me. I know he wants to make me happy and I take some small comfort in that. I show him kindness because I know it's what he wants to see. Takashi doesn't know what I want at all, but I don't hold it against him.

We aren't very alike, but we do have one thing in common: we both think I'm someone else. I told this joke to Dr. Komatsu but he didn't laugh. He asked me to explain what I meant. I told him that if you have to explain a joke, then it wasn't worth telling. I could tell he didn't like that, but he left the issue alone. He's just afraid to discourage me because he's glad I've made a friend.

The nurses are also happy to see me with Takashi. They say he's much easier to handle when I'm around. He eats properly, takes his pills, and sometimes goes to the bathroom by himself if I walk him to the door. He will walk with me anywhere as long as I hold his hand. Sometimes it's hard to convince him to let go. When we talk he's very attentive. He watches my face with an intensity that the doctors and nurses all find remarkable. It's a stark contrast to the slack expression he displays when I'm not around. But like most men, he hears but doesn't listen. When I'm done talking, he'll take his wrinkly hand and place it on mine. He looks me in the eye and calls out gently, "Sakura." I try not to blush, but there's something in his voice when he says it. In that way and that way only, he reminds me of Shinji. Otherwise there is no resemblance.

The orderlies call him Casper because he walks through walls at night. He sleeps in a room with three other men around the same age. Their door is locked firmly from the outside, just as mine is. Yet some nights I hear him there knocking at my door. He calls out to me softly and often he's crying. I talk to him through the walls to calm him down. I try my best to be his Sakura when he needs me to. It usually isn't long before someone comes to lead him back to bed.

Sometimes when the nurses are busy I sit with him as Sakura would. I place my arm around his waist and lean my head on his shoulder and talk to him sweetly. I ask him how he's feeling or what he's thinking about. Rarely does he answer… at least not in complete sentences. He has his good days and his bad days, just like all of us. Occasionally his responses are just as coherent as my questions. And when I ask him how he walks through walls he looks at me with a knowing smile.

It's hard to be so close to Takashi because a part of me feels that I shouldn't. Being Sakura isn't the same as being Asuka. It's feels hollow. Like everything inside is missing. Sakura isn't real to me. I don't know what she would be doing or what she would be thinking. I just know that when I'm her it makes Takashi happy. Being Asuka is different. It's real. I understand her in a way that I'd never understand Sakura, even if I'd met her. But being Asuka feels wrong in a different way. The things that she thinks and the things that she says are troubling. They don't match up correctly. When I'm her, I feel this heaviness weighing down on me. Like she's dragging the world behind her on her small weak shoulders. Her knees buckle under the pressure and I know she's going to fall. I'm ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I wish she would. I wish she would fall to pieces in front of me and never return. Then I could be someone like Sakura. Empty and hollow. In time, I would find a way to fill the space. And maybe then, I could be as close to Shinji as Sakura is to Takashi. But I know that's just a dream.

If Asuka ever falls, she'll be sure to take me down with her.

* * *

Shinji could feel the anxiety rotting in his stomach. It had been a month and a half, almost 45 days, since Asuka had last agreed to see him. During that time he occupied himself in various ways. He spent most of his time attending school and lying to Hikari to cheer himself up. Hikari found the news of Asuka's steadily improving health to be a true blessing. Sometimes her smiles and hugs were the only things that stopped him from staying home and shutting himself in his room again. He had no idea what he would tell her if (_when) _Asuka got better and honestly he didn't want to think about it. Too depressing.

He started practicing his cello again after a long hiatus. At first he picked up the instrument on a whim, but he soon found that playing music calmed him in a way he hadn't anticipated. It distracted him with a totality even the TV or his SDAT couldn't match. He figured it had something to do with the level of concentration involved. In any case, it helped him keep his mind off of things.

When Shinji wasn't distracting himself from how lonely he felt, he was either sleeping or pestering Misato about Asuka's condition. Misato was amazingly skilled at letting information slip in the most annoying way possible. Any news he heard from her was vague and in small doses. It frustrated Shinji to no end that he could ask her a million different questions and only discover one new thing from the answers. The most detailed thing she had ever told him was "She's letting people call her by her name now," and that was it. Shinji had tried to call the hospital and get information directly from the source, but patient files were confidential. Only a legal guardian or family member could view the files or talk to a doctor about the patient's condition. So Shinji asked Misato to give them permission to discuss Asuka with him. Misato thought about it for all of thirty seconds before saying no and declaring it "a bad idea". Shinji tried not to hate her for it.

And so passed 45 days. What had he accomplished? He'd grown slightly less rusty at cello, hounded his guardian for information so much that she spent even less time at home, and falsely built up the hopes of a girl who was already too hopeful for her own good. Meanwhile, Asuka had managed a breakthrough. And she was finally ready to see him again.

He took to the halls of the hospital one step at a time, stomach quietly rumbling with worry and fear. She'd made a breakthrough they said... a breakthrough. The nurse at the visitors' desk greeted him with her guarded smile. She wasn't happy to see him, but didn't seem to have anything against him either. He decide that he liked her. Seeing her somewhat familiar face calmed him down a bit. She asked him to sign in, just like she always did, and Shinji was relieved to find that he was aloud to walk to her room on his own. Nobody would have to wait outside the door during his visit.

Six doors down the hall to the left. Clean white tile all the way. Familiar.

He felt his stomach calming, if only a little. Something told him that this wasn't going to be like all the other visits. He just had this strange inkling somewhere in the back of his mind that this time was going to be okay. He reached her door and he hesitated only a few seconds before knocking. A few moments passed, then a click and a creak, and there she was standing at the door giving him the smallest of smiles. Her hair was drawn back in a ponytail with a red scrunchy. Shinji found himself oddly pleased that the scrunchy was red. She was wearing a white 3-buttoned blouse with loose fitting black slacks. Well... at least as loose fitting as any pants Asuka had ever worn. Apparently they let her wear her clothes from home. Her face was no longer tight and drawn with worry. Her eyes seemed light and alive. She looked healthy as if she'd been eating well. She seemed vital in a way that he hadn't seen her look for... well, years. And Shinji was staring at her openly. When he realized this he blushed, but Asuka just stood there with her small widening smile.

"Hello," said Shinji. He was awkwardly aware of how wide his eyebrows had gone.

"Hi Shinji," she said. "I'm very glad to see you."

Shinji blushed harder and looked away. "It's good to see you too..." he paused a fraction of a second before adding, "Asuka."

"Thank you," she said and gave no other response. Only her words and her small insistent smile. Shinji glanced up at her and marveled.

A breakthrough...

* * *

"I have something to show you," said Asuka. She grabbed his hand and lead him right back out the door. Shinji found himself in a pleasant daze. At this point he would have gone anywhere with her. She could have lead him off a cliff for all he cared. He felt like he could fly.

They walked a ways down the hall where they reached another nurse station which was surrounded by glass. Behind the glass Shinji could see two orderlies playing cards and a nurse at the computer playing minesweeper. Asuka knocked lightly on the glass to get their attention. The nurse at the computer swivelled in her chair to face them. When she saw Asuka she smiled.

"Can you let my guest and I through?"

"Of course," said the nurse. She pressed a button under the counter and a short buzzard went off. "You can go in now."

Asuka thanked the woman and Shinji followed suit. She pulled open the door next to the nurses' station and ushered Shinji through.

"This is the recreation room," she said brightly. "They let the patients with milder problems come here to enjoy activities and relax."

Shinji took in the sight without much amazement. It was a large white room, not unlike all the others in the hospital. There were several tables scattered throughout the room each occupied by patients or nurses sitting in fold-up chairs. The most distinguishing feature of the room was the large 3-frame window in the middle which overlooking a small garden. Shinji found it kind of ironic that the best thing about the room was the view outside, but he didn't say anything of the sort to Asuka. He could tell that she was proud to be there. They had never let her mingle with the other patients before.

"Hmm... he's not here..." said Asuka sadly.

"Who?"

"A friend of mine. He's a nice man, like you. I wanted to introduce you. Maybe you could have met Sakura too... but, oh well. He must be in his room."

"Oh," said Shinji. He felt slightly guilty for wondering just what type of friends she could have made in such a place. Asuka didn't give him much time to ponder on this though. She begin to lead him around the room and show him the various activities.

"Over here they have an area for knitting and crochet. A lady told me that they used to let them sew too, but they decided that they'd rather not let us have sharp needles. Here they have some magazines, but none of them are too interesting. We play board games at that table. There's a lot of missing pieces, but some of them are still playable. And over there we play cards. Would you like to play?"

The table was empty save for a lone deck of cards. They took a seat and Asuka began to count the cards. After she was sure there were fifty two of them, she dealt out the whole deck.

"I hope you don't mind playing war," said Asuka. Shinji said nothing, but he didn't appear to have any complaints. "She..." Asuka blinked twice before continuing, "I don't know many games that don't involve betting and gambling is against the rules. Still I'm glad to have someone to play with. My friend, Takashi, is hardly ever up to it so I usually end up playing solitary by myself when I'm lucky enough to get the cards."

Shinji said, "Ok." Immediately afterward he felt as if this answer was lame, so he added, "I'm glad I can play with you."

Asuka spared him an appraising glance before flipping her first card. Apparently they had started to play. After about three flips, Asuka chastised him for not flipping with her at the same time. She insisted that the game was more fun that way. Other than that, there was little conversation between them. Shinji took note of the other hospital patients. He found himself oddly surprised by the fact that most of them seemed in good health. In retrospect it wasn't that surprising. This wasn't a medical hospital. But even so, the patients made him feel a bit uneasy. There was something instinctively odd about knowing that the people around you were certifiably crazy. It was strange that this feeling never seemed to include Asuka herself. He realized that the other patients were perhaps no better or worse than the girl sitting across from him, but that didn't make his discomfort go away. It didn't help that a few of them were openly staring at them. He supposed it wasn't often that the hospital had patients or visitors as young as him.

To Shinji the game seemed to last an eternity. Though he did his best to smile and enjoy himself for Asuka, his discomfort clearly showed by the way he nervously glanced around the room. Asuka took note of this as well.

"Do you want to do something else?" she asked, a note of melancholy in her voice. Shinji instantly felt like a heel.

"No. This is okay, really."

Asuka placed her remaining cards in the middle of the table and stood from her chair.

"It's alright. It's a very long game anyways. I should have picked something else..."

"We can finish playing if you want."

"No, that's okay," said Asuka with a small little smirk. "I don't want to bore you. But if anyone asks about this, be sure to tell them that I won."

Classic Asuka. Shinji couldn't help but smile and say, "Of course."

* * *

She had one more thing to show him. After having the nurse buzz them out of the recreation room Asuka led him down another short hallway hand in hand. Shinji wasn't sure if he'd ever get used to that particular feeling, but did not mind the surprise. When she held onto his hand as they exited a glass door into the courtyard an odd thought entered his brain. He wondered if this was what a date felt like.

"What do you think?" Asuka asked. It was a small enclosed area with a small wooden park bench surrounded by a handful of trees and bushes. The whole enclosed area couldn't have been much bigger than the living room of Misato's apartment, but the space was well used. Despite the wide window that put them in plain view of the recreation room, the area produced a sense of privacy.

"It's nice," said Shinji honestly. "Peaceful."

Asuka nodded in agreement. "It's the best place in the hospital. They let me come out here anytime I want, as long as it's not raining or past curfew." The confident way she looked up at him was encouraging to Shinji. Once again he was overwhelmed by that irrational feeling that everything was going to be okay.

"I'm proud of you," he said and squeezed her hand lightly. He couldn't have meant it more. The two of them took a seat on the park bench. Shinji found himself staring at a bed of bright red flowers. He didn't look up, but he had the feeling that Asuka was looking at him. For some reason that seemed okay. He didn't feel the need to look at her at all. Everything would be okay.

"I'm very happy right now," said Asuka. She leaned her head on his shoulder as she talked. For a moment, he shivered from the feel of her breath brushing by his cheek. "I didn't know if you would forgive me. If I were you, I wouldn't have, but I'm glad you're not like that. I wanted to see you sooner but I'd made such a fool of myself before... I just wanted to make sure that this time things went well. You understand don't you?"

Shinji said, "Yeah." He couldn't imagine being mad at her now. Not when they were so close like this.

"They don't even lock my door anymore," said Asuka in a near whisper. "Only at night. I have all the rights of a voluntary patient."

Shinji heart swelled with each word. It really was a breakthrough.

"Dr. Komatsu says I'm making great progress. He says that when I'm ready I could even go home. He says that as long as I attended regular consoling sessions, I could easily move back home with you."

Shinji looked down at Asuka in confusion. She reluctantly lifted her head from his shoulder.

"Then why... why are you still here?"

Asuka closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"I don't want to go back yet."

"Why?" asked Shinji.

"She's... well you said it before... she's lost."

Shinji felt desperation sinking in. "Who?"

"Asuka," said Asuka with the saddest of smiles. "It's like you said. She's just this girl... and I know, I know she's a part of me. But she's out there somewhere and she's lost. I can't... I can't feel her anymore. I just... right now I can't be that person. And I know that you're waiting for me. I don't know why you do it, but I know that you're waiting for us to come home. But I can't go back yet. Not until I find her."

"Asuka..."

"I'm sorry."

Shinji tried one desperate plea. "Can't we look for her together?"

Asuka reached up a shaky hand to the other side of his face and gently raised her head to place a small kiss on his cheek.

"You're the only person she ever knew who would say something so tooth-rottingly sweet."

Though a blush rose to his face, Shinji bowed his head in defeat. He realized there was nothing he could do to talk her out of it. She wasn't coming home yet. It was a while before Asuka grabbed his hand again and spoke.

"I'm going to find her Shinji," she said with quiet determination. "I'm not going to give up. But this is something that I have to do alone. That's why... this is going to be the last time you ever visit me in this hospital."

For a moment, Shinji felt as if he'd been slapped. Headless of this, Asuka continued.

"When I see you again, I'm going to be the person I was meant to be. I want all these problems to be behind me. And then maybe... maybe we can be as close as we want to be. Okay?"

Shinji finally looked up from the ground. He looked to the red flowers in the garden, then looked into Asuka's face.

"Okay," he said and he said it with a smile.

Everything was going to be okay.

* * *

Shinji took off his shoes at the door of the apartment. His body felt as light as air. He wasn't sure what was holding him down anymore. The dull colors of the apartment seemed oddly bright and vibrant. When he heard the laugh track from the sitcom on TV he wanted to laugh along. He couldn't help but let a small chuckle slip through. When he entered the living room he was glad to see Misato laying there on the couch in her NERV uniform. It was the first time in months that he could honestly say he was glad to see her. When she saw him enter the room she lowered the volume on the TV with the remote.

"How was your visit?" asked Misato with the most peculiar look on her face.

"It was fine," said Shinji grinning from ear to ear. "We played cards."

"Oh?"

"Yeah" said Shinji. "She won."

* * *

**A/N: **Not the last chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** We all saw something like this coming.

**When She Smiles**

**Chapter 5**

Some things just aren't easy to do. She stalled as long as she could. Lord knows she tried to resolve the problem another way. If there was another way, _any_ other way, Misato would have found it, because that's what people do when they're determined... when they're desperate. She gave much thought to the issue. Considered all the possible consequences. There was no way it would end well. There was no good way to break the news. She had considered never telling him, but that would only backfire on her later. Asuka called him almost nightly since the hospital granted her phone privileges. He would grow suspicious in a couple of days.

Still, Misato waited as long as she could. A full day passed before before she sat Shinji down in the living room and asked him to talk. She tried to be gentle and comforting and that put him on edge. The soft tone of her voice and the way she continued to stare at him, gauging his reaction. She hadn't said a word and he was already in distress.

"Shinji... I..."

Misato stopped and took two long yet shallow breaths. There was something awful in Shinji's face. It reminded her of the time she told Kaji she was transferring to work in another city and that he shouldn't try to follow. He knew what was coming before she'd spoken. Known it and dreaded it it. And Misato had to say it anyways. _It's an awful feeling..._

"Asuka's gone missing."

_...to deliberately break someone's heart._

"Wha... you... no... no..."

Shinji faltered in his speech, but Misato pressed forward with her explanation. The faster he accepted it, the easier it would be.

"She's been gone for a few hours now."

_A day and a half... 37 hours since the nurse found her room empty. And I didn't tell you because I thought we could find her without you. But we can't. And I will die before you find out how long I waited to tell you because I am a coward who has no shame. I have tried to feel bad about this and many other things, but I've only failed. As long as you're okay I can continue to live this way. I can continue to pretend that I didn't spend the last 2 years of my life contributing to an organization which had no problem driving the two of you to insanity. I can pretend that your eyes aren't filled with resentment and distrust every time I see your face. I can pretend that these feelings, even if they did exist, are unfounded. That I am not a person worthy of resentment. And I can live with you near me and pretend that you're with me and that we're all on the edge of happiness, not despair. And if you ruin that for me tonight... I don't know what I'll do..._

"Where is she?"

"We don't know Shinji, that's why-"

"_Where's Asuka!"_

"Calm down."

In an instant he was up on his feet.

"I've got to find her, I've got to..."

He headed for the door.

"Wait," said Misato and surprisingly he did stop. "I have people looking for her already. If you go out there all you're going to do is complicate things."

"But she's... she's out there and... by herself. And anything could happen to her and _she told me not to come, but why did I listen!_ God, I gotta find her she's lost out there."

Misato moved to where he stood and placed a hand on Shinji's shoulder. He looked at her as if she were insane.

"You can't help her that way," said Misato quietly. There was just enough metal in her voice to reinforce the statement as fact, not opinion. "If you know of any places she might have gone, anybody she'd want to go see, please tell me and we can get someone to-"

Shinji shrugged her hand away and quickly made for the door.

"Wait," said Misato. He did not heed her. He scrambled to put his shoes on. It was a messy, hasty affair.

"This doesn't make any sense. There's nothing you can do for her right now. Just... trust me okay?"

Shinji didn't say a word. He opened the door and walked into the hallway without closing it. Misato stood in the doorway behind him.

"Dammit Shinji! What are you going to do? Where are you going to find her? We have enough people out there looking for her already, but now we'll have to have people looking for you too! Is that what you want? You're only hurting our chances. They were damn slim to begin with and you're killing them now. You idiot! You bastard!" Misato's voice suddenly grew weaker. "Get back in here. Don't leave..."

But Shinji was around the corner and he didn't even look back. Probably didn't hear a word she said. And so what? Screw him. Let him leave. They always leave and she's better off without them because when you're by yourself they _can't_ leave you anymore. And all he ever did was hurt her and take from her... _but you took from him too_... and if he's gone will there ever be another one willing to stay? Probably not. Not for Misato because... _all my friends are dead_. But screw the whole lot of them. She didn't need them but- _I hate being alone_- and he's all she had.  
_  
All I have..._

Her coat and shoes were on. She hastily grabbed her car keys in hand. Swiftly she walked down the hall, took the steps two at a time, and nearly ran into the parking garage. She pressed a button on the key chain and the car unlocked. In the door, start the engine, put it in gear and drive.

It was a long street. He either went left, or he went right, but he couldn't have gotten too far on foot. She turned right, driving several miles over the speed limit. Carefully, she scanned both sides of the street. 5 minutes in and still no sign of him. She pulled into a drive way and turned around. Driving faster to make up for lost time, she found him walking in the same direction. She slowed the car to match his pace and rolled down the window. His head was panning the horizon for any sign of Asuka. He was calling out her name.

"Get in the car Shinji."

"Asuka! Come on Asuka!"

"It's a big city. She won't hear you."

"Asuka!"

"Please get in the car."

"Asuka, where are you!"

"If you get in the car we can look together. It'd be a lot faster that way."

He looked at her for a second as if truly considering the offer. Misato was surprised, as it was an idea that just randomly sprang into her head. But in a moment, Shinji looked away from her and continued his search.

"Asuka!" Yelled Shinji, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"This is pointless," said Misato. "I'm leaving."

But she didn't leave. Didn't make the slightest move to do so. The car continued to move at the same steady pace as Shinji.

"What good will screaming out her name do if she doesn't want to be found? She'll hear you calling and run the other way."

Shinji continued to walk, but for a while he was silent. Misato thought she had won a minor victory before he began to yell out the girl's name again.

"Do you even want to find her?" she asked. "If you really did you wouldn't be-"

"_Shut up!"_ said Shinji. This was the first and only time he'd ever spoken to her this way. Misato recoiled as if slapped.

"You don't even like Asuka! You wouldn't tell me anything about what was happening or how she was doing! You don't care about anything I ever told you about her. You just wanted me there for yourself. You never cared about her and you never cared about me. So just leave me the hell alone!"

Misato stopped driving and Shinji continued to walk. She watched as he got further and further ahead. She tried to think of the ignorance of children, how they say one thing one day and the opposite the next. But Shinji wasn't just a kid anymore. He meant what he said. He was going to walk away, and he wasn't coming back.

She could make a few calls and have him detained. She still had enough lingering influence over certain former Section 2 members to do that. But if he honestly felt that way, what difference would it make? It'd be just as useless as what he was doing now. So instead she watched him leave with tears glistening in her eyes.

* * *

When Kodama still lived at home, Hikari always placed three sets of dishes at the dinner table. At first she didn't even realize she was doing it. She would sit across from Kodama and they would make light conversation which always lapsed into silence. Hikari would barely take note of her sister's occasional glances towards the empty place setting. Sometimes she would look in that direction as well, but she saw nothing odd about the situation. It was only when Kodama politely pointed out that there were only two of them eating, that Hikari recognized the error of setting a place for Nozomi. She remembered feeling embarrassed about it and blushing heavily.

Hikari recognized that Nozomi most likely wouldn't be coming back. It happened to a lot of little kids after the impact. Some psychologist said that it had something to do with the minds of young children being too fragile and uncertain to manifest themselves physically, but that explanation didn't account for the few children who did manage to make it out of the sea. In some cases children as young as toddlers have returned.

Once Hikari recognized her mistake, she did nothing to remedy it. She tried a few nights eating without the extra dishes serving as a place holder, but somehow that felt alien and strange. It was as if she had given up on Nozomi, which in some ways she had. People were coming back less and less frequently as the years drug on. Hikari no longer waited up at night to hear news that her little sister had come home. Yet despite Kodama's obvious discomfort and her own fading optimism, she continued to set a place for the girl. When Kodama left to attend Tokyo-2 University, Hikari cut back to two dinner plates.

In some ways Hikari missed Kodama just as much as she did Nozomi, but overall it was a good thing that she decided to move out. Kodama always had her sights set on bigger and better things, even if she didn't always know what those things were. Hikari could tell that a part of her despised their broken little home in the same way that she hated Nozomi and their father for leaving it. Kodama was glad to be gone and Hikari tried to be happy for her. At least she sent money home monthly and never failed to make it back for the holidays.

For the most part, Hikari didn't mind living alone. In some ways it was a welcome change to her life at school which consisted mostly of concerns for other people. She overwhelmed herself with her own conviction. She wanted so many good things for so many people that it hurt sometimes. It seemed as if everyone was in pain. Hikari felt that pain acutely. She strained herself to find new ways to help the people around her. And while she took great joy in doing the little bit she could to ameliorate the situation, it never felt like enough. When at home those pressures diminished. Within the privacy of these familiar four walls she was finally able to take care of herself. Tonight was no different.

After school Hikari began her familiar routine. She went to her room and changed out of her school uniform. Despite being the only resident of the home she still slept in the room she once shared with Kodama as if the ghost of her father scared her away from the master bedroom. After dressing in a pair of shorts and a loose fitting t-shirt she made her way into the kitchen and put on a pot of tea. Occasionally she liked to try different flavors, but peach would always be her favorite. When the tea was ready she poured herself a cup and brought it into the living room on a tray. Hikari settled into her favorite chair and turned on the TV. She quickly turned the channel when she noticed the evening news was on. The sad stories sometimes made her cry. She flipped through channels aimlessly until she stumbled upon an old sitcom that had been in syndication before either impact affected the world.

The show was called Rolling With the Family. It was an old American sitcom that had been poorly dubbed into Japanese. The star of the show was a sarcastic middle aged matriarch who was in charge of her quirky and colorful family. She made all the decisions in the house while giving the appearance of submitting to her loving, yet stubborn husband. The children were often disobedient, but never subordinate and it was clear that everybody loved each other. Things went wrong in their little world, but in a half an hour the problems always repaired themselves. It was perfect. Hikari had just begun to lose herself in the light instrumentals of the title sequence when she heard a knock on her door. She jumped in surprise.

"I'm coming," she called, but the frantic knocking continued.

Hikari wasn't particularly afraid of crime, having lived in the better areas of Tokyo-3 most of her life, but her father had instilled several safety habits in her that would not leave. She peered through the peep hole briefly before unlocking the door and opening it. Shinji stared at her with a startled expression, as if he hadn't expected to be let in. He was sweating profusely like he'd been running for miles. His eyelids were half closed despite his eyebrows being raised to their highest height. Hikari let out a gasp of surprised.

"Shinji what's wrong?" she asked.

"Have you seen her?" asked Shinji, his voice strained with anticipation. "Is she here?"

Hikari felt even more alarmed.

"Who are you talking about?"

Shinji didn't answer her. Instead he hung his head and shamefully began to cry. For a moment Hikari stared at him as he tried to hide his weeping by burying his face in the crook of his arm. Before long she regained her bearings, grabbed him by the shoulder and gently lead him through the doorway. She quietly closed and locked the door behind her before guiding the weeping young man through the hallway and into the kitchen. Hikari sat him down at the table and pulled up another seat as close as possible. She placed an arm around his shoulder and took one of his hands into her own. She gave his hand a squeeze and said as firmly as she could, "Everything will be okay."

Hikari wondered if those words were true as Shinji continued to cry. The intensity of his sobbing decreased, but it was several minutes before the tears completely ceased to flow. Hikari firmly held his hand and avoided looking into his face as he composed himself. Her father had taught her that it was important to maintain dignity in vulnerable states. It was a lesson all his children were forced to learn after their mother's death. When Shinji's breathing evened out Hikari looked up into his tear streaked face and asked him "Are you okay now?"

Shinji shook his head. "I-I'm sorry," he said and nothing more.

"It's alright," said Hikari. The two of them were silent for several seconds. "Let me take you to the bathroom so you can get cleaned up."

Shinji shook his head in protest and mumbled something about needing to go. Hikari said nothing and lead him down the hallway by hand. She stopped briefly to grab a rag and a towel from a nearby closet. When they reached the bathroom Hikari filled the sink with hot water and handed Shinji the rag.

"I'll just wait outside," she said quietly. She closed the door behind her as she left the bathroom and leaned against the opposite wall. Her breathing was deep and deliberate as the minutes ticked by and she wondered why something always went wrong with everyone. Still she knew that Shinji would be okay because she was there to take care of him. She too would be fine because she had someone to take care of.

When Shinji exited the bathroom Hikari dispelled any visable signs of doubt and doned a mask of calm sympathy. Shinji's eyes were still red, but his face looked a lot cleaner. Though clearly anxious, he no longer seemed wild. Hikari was glad she allowed him to compose himself. He was now ready for civilized conversation.

"Thank you," he said awkwardly, not meeting her eyes. "I really... I have to go now."

His hands were shaking at his sides as he spoke. Hikari took one of them into her own and led him to the kitchen. Despite his earlier statement, he sat when she pulled out a chair for him. Hikari watched his face closely as she pulled another tea cup from the cupboard and poured him a serving. With a shaking hand Shinji grabbed the cup and drank. Hikari felt a wave of pitty overtake her. No one should be so docile.

"Shinji, What's wrong?"

For a second it seemed as if he'd start to cry again. But then his lips formed into a familiar self-depreciating smile. "I looked everywhere," he said blandly. "Everywhere I could think of and she's not there."

"Who are you looking for?" Hikari asked. "Ms. Katsuragi?"

"No," said Shinji shaking his head emphatically. "Asuka."

Hikari could not stop the gasp that escaped her lips. She raised a hand to her mouth and reeled in shock.

"But Asuka's in the hospital. Where would she go?"

"I don't know..." said Shinji pitifully.

"But why would she leave?" asked Hikari hurriedly as if each word could not wait for the other to leave her mouth. "You said she was getting better..."

"They said she was... but she's gone now." Shinji lowered his head into his hands. "And everything she said... I should have known this would happen!"

"It's not your fault," said Hikari patting him lightly on the shoulder. But she stopped as an awful thought occurred to her. Her eyes widened in renewed fear. "Oh my god Shinji, what if she has another seizure?"

Shinji stared at her as if she'd just suggested that Asuka would grow a tail. Hikari felt as if something broke inside her. Asuka wasn't just going to suddenly be okay one day, Her father and Nozomi were as good as dead, and Kodama could barely stand to be around her because of how much she reminded her of their mutual losses. She couldn't help Shinji feel better about anything because she couldn't do anything to change the world. She couldn't stop a seizure, she couldn't stop another impact from coming out of the blue, and she couldn't stop death.

Hikari looked up at Shinji through clouded eyes as he patted her awkwardly on the back. A strange role reversal had occurred. Hikari was the sad and inconsolable one and Shinji was her comforter. Only... he was awful at it. Hikari began to sob harder. This was wrong.

"She'll be okay," said Shinji, but he sounded uncertain and scared. "She won't have any seizures."

"How do you know?" she asked. "Anything could happen..."

"She can't have seizures," said Shinji suddenly sounding more resolute. "She's never had a seizure before. So don't cry..."

Hikari managed to bring herself under some semblance of control. Shinji's words had done little to console her. She was now fully and utterly confused.

"What do you mean she's never had a seizure?"

When it became apparent that he wouldn't answer, Hikari looked up from the table and into the face of a liar. Shinji looked like a mouse trapped in a corner. He quickly turned from her gaze.

"I... I just didn't want to be sad."

"Shinji?" Hikari asked. "What are you trying to say?"

"I'm sorry," said Shinji staring into his dark tea. "It's just... I feel bad. I feel bad almost all the time. But when I talked to you... I don't know... I felt a little bit better."

"So was any of it true?" Hikari was shocked by the edge in her own voice, but she only felt angrier when Shinji apologized again. For a while there was silence. Hikari couldn't wrap her mind around the situation properly. Shinji had lied to her and betrayed her trust just to make himself feel better. She understood that. But he completely disregarded her feelings. And now when things were really bad he had the nerve to come to her house and ask her for help?

"I'm awful..." said Shinji with all the self-pity in the world. Hikari clenched her hands into fists. How dare he play the victim? For the first time since the impact Hikari felt the desire to do physical harm to someone, but she hated feeling this way. She hated being angry because anger accomplished nothing. And she hated being depressed because that didn't solve anything either. But there was Shinji with his sloppy posture and shadowy eyelids practically begging her to feel sorry for him and show compassion, forcing his problems onto her. But this time she just couldn't give a damn for his sad little sob story. She didn't have to take this.

"Get out of my house," she said, her voice shaking with every word.

Shinji stared at her in shocked disbelief.

"Get out!" she yelled and he hastily pulled away from her apologizing profusely. He sounded quite pathetic in his need for her forgiveness, but as far as she was concerned Shinji didn't exist anymore.

Hikari saw the kitchen table with the two table settings. She heard footsteps growing fainter and fainter. The door opened and closed audibly and Hikari felt her rapid breathing began to slow. She took a sip of her tea, but instantly regretted it. She was in no mood for it now. Some of it's contents spilled on the table as she set the cup down harder than she intended. She hastily set the cup in the sink and cleaned up the minor mess she had made.

"I lost control," she said to no one in particular as she wiped the table with a rag. She liked to talk to herself sometimes. It was the easiest way to sort out her thoughts when alone. "What Shinji did was wrong... but I shouldn't have lost control."

Hikari felt a little uneasy. She wished that maybe she had given Shinji a better chance to explain. She wouldn't have forgiven him, not so quickly anyways, but perhaps she could have found out more about what was really wrong with Asuka. Maybe she could have helped.

"Water under the bridge," said Hikari. But she laughed at herself because she knew it wasn't true. Her left hand was still balled into a fist. She finally released it.

Hikari suddenly felt extremely tired and very much alone. She headed into the living room and decided to call her sister. She pulled the curtains back slightly with one hand and used the other hand to dial as she looked out the window. It wasn't that she really expected to see anyone out there. She didn't expect Shinji to hang around after that confrontation and it wasn't as if she'd somehow stumble upon Asuka. The phone rang insistently in her ears until…

"Hi, this is Kodama. I'm not in right now but leave me a message and I'll get back to you. Ciao!"

Hikari hung up the phone with a sigh. Her arms wrapped around herself in a hug. It wasn't comforting, but it was a little bit better. Things would be bad for a little while, but they'd been worse before. Hikari would make it through this night and anything else that came along with it. After all, she couldn't take care of other people if she didn't know how to take care of herself.

* * *

After the impact the future of NERV was uncertain. Publicly they were classified as a federally funded biological research facility. Their goal had always been to progressively increase technology to further the function and survival of mankind. Many things had changed since the third impact occurred, but that was one thing that the survivors of the company felt should not.

The Japanese government (when there were enough people back to warrant a Japanese government) were surprisingly lenient with pardons and reparations. After the conclusion of a year long investigation almost everyone within the company were cleared of the charges of treason and genocide. Those who did not receive pardon had not returned from the sea of souls, for the most part. The core of the company was not held responsible for the sins of its head. They were given a clean slate to start anew.

About a year and a half after she returned from the sea, Misato and all the other high ranking officials from NERV branches across the world held a lengthy meeting to decide the fate of the company. After days of deliberation and debate, key decisions were made. The branches would split off from each other. Each branch would undergo a name change and sign a non-competition agreement among all the other branches. Any scientific discoveries found in one branch would be made available to the others within 2 years of discovery.

Some branches continued to focus on weaponry and defensive technology. Others, like the American branch, chose to research new energy sources. Particularly the potential use of the S2 engine in a commercial power grid. NERV Japan, always having specialized in biomimetics, renamed itself Gherin Technologies and focused its energy toward the production and sales of high-function synthetic body parts.

Gherin Technologies utilized the data recorded from project EVA to create living prosthetic body parts in order to aid those who have been injured and lost limbs. How this process worked was always somewhat of a mystery to Misato, who had almost no biological background whatsoever, unless you counted that sprint anatomy course she took with Kaji in college (but the university refused to give them credit for that). From what she could gather an arm or a leg was grown from some cell somehow and hooked up to the patient some way. From there some kind of synchronization process took place which somehow allowed the patient to move the limb to some degree. It was a very scientific process that was far from perfect.

So far there had been no success with replacing complicated sensory organs such as the eyes or eardrums. The synchronization ratio is just too low. 100 percent synchronization had never been achieved with any transplant. 89 percent was the highest synchronization ratio achieved so far. The 10 year old girl who managed it said it was almost exactly like having her old arm back. She was quite happy. Cute kid too. So even if Misato didn't understand exactly what it was her people did to make it all work, she was glad to help them do it.

As directer of Gherin Technologies, Misato had few duties that directly corresponded with the work done there. Her main responsibilities involved lots of paperwork, most of which consisted of requests for government funding. When she wasn't formally begging the Japanese government for spare scraps of cash, she was informally begging them for it during the various unscheduled inspections and progress assessments. Her only other duty was to hire staff.

Misato tried her best to secure jobs for as many former NERV employees as she could but it was impossible to keep everyone. A private research company had little use for its own secret service, but she did manage to line up security jobs for the more distinguished Section 2 members. Still, not everyone who worked for NERV wanted their old jobs back. Maya, who was perhaps the most brilliant biotechnologist left in the company after Ritsuko's death, respectfully declined the position for head of research. No thank you, she said. She had seen enough to last a lifetime. Misato heard from Aoba that she went back to college to study clinical medicine, which he claimed was a complete waste of her talents. Misato was saddened by the loss because neither he nor Makoto were really fit to fill her shoes. Still she didn't really blame Maya. A former member of the German branch of NERV took the job instead. He was the quiet nerdy type of man that was completely dedicated to his work. While Misato was used to that type of person, he had none of the redeeming qualities held by someone like Ritsuko. That is to say, he had no discernible personality. But at least he was good at what he did.

Everyone was good at what they did, really. It was why Misato liked being at work. Errors were rare and usually fixable. There was almost always something that she could do. When she was there, she felt useful. She'd spent the last 5 hours catching up on her paper work and she was finally finished. Now she was observing Makoto at work.

Standing behind him at his desk she placed a hand on his shoulder and asked, "How is it coming along?" She felt it was her duty to establish a friendly and encouraging work environment. She could not understand Gendo's way of running things. There was no reason to instill fear when you already had your colleagues respect.

Makoto adjusted his glasses and glanced at her briefly from behind them before returning his eyes to the data sheets he was looking over. "It's going fine. Just finishing up some statistical odds and ends."

"Oh?" asked Misato giving his shoulder a light squeeze. They'd always gotten along rather well. "Sounds pretty boring and tedious to me."

Makoto chuckled. "I'd be lying if I said it was interesting. Just averages and standard deviations. Nothing for the Chief Director to worry about."

Misato felt herself smiling despite being unamused. She knew that this was supposed to be typical office banter. The type of comment one throws out purely for the purpose of being forgotten. But something about his words irked her. She absentmindedly forgot to move her hand.

"I'll be done pretty soon," said Makoto after a moment. "I just have to enter the data into the computer is all. You can leave if you want to."

If Misato had found his words annoying before, they now felt alien and unnerving. Most likely he was trying to save her the boredom of watching over him, but it was as if she was being dismissed. She made no move to leave. She didn't even move her hand from his shoulder. She was the boss. It was her job to be there. There was no reason for her to leave. And even if there was, what would she leave to?

"I don't mind staying a little longer," she said placing her other hand on his other shoulder. She felt Makoto tense and reminded herself how well the two of them got along. "What are you doing after work?" she asked. The words felt strange coming out of her mouth. She almost wanted to take them back.

Makoto laughed. Nervously. It was an odd sound.

"I'm just going home, Ms. Katsuragi. It's already pretty late." His speech was oddly formal.

"Are you sure you don't want to do something else?" asked Misato and she was really beginning to hate her own word choice. It wasn't supposed to sound so forward. She needed to amend herself. "Like grabbing some drinks?" she asked and then regretted that too. She didn't want to drink alcohol because if she started she wasn't sure that she could stop. But maybe if she asked Makoto nicely, he'd stop her from drinking too much before anything bad happened. Maybe she'd listen to him too, because they always got along pretty well. She began to massage his shoulders. _I wonder how well we'll get along tonight _- but that thought didn't even feel remotely right.

"I wish I could but," said Makoto chuckling oddly again, "but I have to get home." Was this funny to him? It wasn't remotely funny to her.

"Can't you be home a little later tonight?" Misato asked in a low pleading tone. It disgusted her what she was doing with her voice. She shouldn't have to beg this way to hang out with... a friend? A fellow worker?... it didn't really matter. He was Makoto. It shouldn't have been so difficult.

"Sorry Ms. Katsuragi but I should really get back." he said. "My girlfriend will worry."

"Oh," said Misato. She withdrew her hands slowly, but maintained her distance behind him. "Okay... I don't see why..." But she cut herself off. She was going to say, _I don't see why you can't call her and let her know you're hanging out with an old friend, _but luckily she stopped herself. She couldn't beg him to have drinks with her, because they weren't old friends. They got along well at work because they barely had to get along at all. He might have had a crush on her years ago, but now they hardly saw each other in a social capacity. He was her employee and nothing more. So Misato stood in silence as Makoto began to type again.

This was pathetic. She was pathetic because this was how she needed to behave. Tears began to well up in her eyes and she blinked them away. She wouldn't cry there leaning so close to her subordinate because she was the boss. There at Gherin she was strong and unwavering. She did her job, she did it well, and nothing outside of that reality existed.

Minutes passed and the sound of typing ceased. Makoto was looking up at her but she refused to look at him. She continued to stare at his screen.

"You look tired Misato," he said tentatively. "Why don't you go home? There's nothing to do here tonight."

Misato stared at Makoto's computer monitor and ignored the moisture rolling down her cheeks. She breathed deeply for several long moments until her body was under control. In the calmest tone she could muster she said, "I do not want to go home right now, Mr. Hyuga." Now she was the formal one.

"Okay," he said quietly. For a moment he sat there looking at her. Then he turned around in his chair and opened a new window on his computer.

"I... I just realized something."

"What's that?" asked Misato.

"They're going to be testing the new heart synchronization process tomorrow and I still have some data to analyze from the tests they did last week." Makoto looked up at her and smiled weakly. "I guess this is going to be a long night for me..."

Misato felt the tension ease, if only a little bit.

"I guess so, Makoto," she said. But she really meant thank you.

* * *

Shinji sat with his forehead pressed against the glass. His eyes were glistening. He hadn't been crying but he felt like he could. It felt like he should be. He told himself that he was looking for Asuka, but his heart wasn't in it anymore. Somewhere along the line his brain caught up to his body and he finally realized that Misato was right. He would not find Asuka if she didn't want to be found. He was just wasting his time.

So then why was he out here riding the Tokyo loop line, eyes widening in anticipation at any small glimpse of red, only to be disappointed every single time? Did he know it was stupid? Yes. Did he want to be stupid? No. Was he that desperate? Yes. And did it even matter? That one he didn't have the answer to. But there were more unanswerable questions where that came from.

Asuka could be dead. She could be somewhere cold and dark lying down on the ground dead. Someone slit her throat. She fell from a two story building. She drowned in someone's swimming pool. It's all possible. Maybe she's dead.

Some pervert could be with her right now. He grabs her arm. She screams for him to stop, but he doesn't. She screams out his name. Shinji, she yells. Calls out for him to help her. But he's not there. And the man continues. He rips her shirt. He knocks her to the ground. She yells and she yells but no one comes. His hands are all over her and - _stop -_ he's taking off her clothes as she struggles to hit him and tries to get him off but - _stop! - _she can't do a thing and then he brings out a knife and tells her that if she doesn't stop moving he'll give her a new breathing hole and - _stop it!_... _seriously that's enough..._ - and finish what he started afterward and...

_God what would I do if she's dead?_

Shinji didn't know if he could live without her. Somehow he had managed to place all his hopes and dreams into one single person and now that person was being taken away. The prospect left him surprisingly numb. If Asuka was dead would he die too? And more importantly, when did he become so weak and dependent?

It went back to the beach where he found her and his hands were fast around her neck. _I don't want to think about that - _but he wasn't in his right mind and he didn't know what he was doing but she touched him and he stopped. She said she felt sick. Did he make her sick? He didn't know. But that's where it started. On the beach.

It was just the two of them, for much too long. And it was a full day before they were in a good enough state of mind to start looking for food. They wandered into the city where there were plenty of canned goods, and they stayed there for a while. Until he got scared. Scared of all the nobodies who weren't around anywhere. The city was too quiet, too big, and too empty.

So they started living on the beach and taking their food to go. Their lives consisted merely of food and each other. There was nothing else._ Just Shinji and Asuka and nothing else but Shinji and Asuka and nothing else but..._ Somehow even though she was there it felt as if she really wasn't.

Asuka talked to him sometimes. Always at night. She told him that she was confused. That she didn't understand a lot of things, but there was one thing she did understand: She didn't want to die. She ate the canned foods and she drank the bottled water and slept under the tents because she wanted to live. But there was nothing else that she wanted to do. Could the purpose of her life simply be mere existence? Was that enough?

She used to have goals, she told him. (He pretended not to hear her because the one time he did respond back to her she stopped talking and she didn't say anything again for a while.) But she told him later that she didn't like her goals anymore. In fact, she hated them. Hated everything about them. Her goals where shallow and weak. She was shallow and weak. And the worst part was she couldn't tell anybody. She couldn't even tell Shinji, who she was currently telling, because in the morning they'd both pretend like it never happened. But it was a good thing that he never said anything back to her and that they pretended that it never happened because if he ever mentioned any of this aloud she would kill him. _ha ha. _And then she'd kill herself. From the embarrassment. It's a joke. It's okay to laugh. But Shinji never did.

She told him once that she used to be so serious but she didn't even know why she was serious. Why did she wear her pride like armor? Why did she let every little chip in her pride hurt her? Why didn't she just learn to take it? Other people took it without a problem. People she looked down on. People she despised. They took the pain and the injustice and carried it with them like a backpack. But she couldn't have that. She wasn't as strong as them. She couldn't carry the load and she damned well couldn't share it. But now... now she doesn't know. Maybe she could have carried a little more than she did. Maybe she could have carried just as much as everyone else. Only she never tried.

One time she laid down very close to him. And she put her mouth right by his ear. And she said, "If you tell me you love me, I'll give you anything you want. I will never leave you. And I will love you forever."

Shinji didn't say a word. He didn't say a single word and _it's all my fault_ because she needed him to say something and he didn't say a word. And when she realized that he would say nothing she laughed. _ha ha._ Just a joke, Shinji, just a joke. But she slept there like that, very close to him and he was glad she didn't move away.

In the morning Shinji said, "I love you." Asuka laughed and said, "Whatever." Shinji felt really really stupid. And then he felt really really mad. But after that he didn't know what to think because he knew if he'd said it just hours earlier it still would have been a complete lie, but it would have meant something completely real. But maybe in the morning light it was easier to see his words for what they really were at the time: a sham.

He found the doll a few days later. It was lying on the ground in the middle of the street. He didn't know why, but he picked it up.

"What's that?" she asked. He told her it was a doll. It was a hand stitched doll wearing a blue dress with red yarn hair. _It was all my fault._

Shinji told her, "It looks like you."

Asuka reluctantly agreed. He took the doll with them back to camp. Set it down next to him. And Asuka looked over at the doll with the strangest expression on her face. She began to talk to him as she looked at the doll. It was the first time she'd said more than a few sentences during the day.

"I used to hate dolls. Because they did anything you wanted them to do. They'd die if you wanted them to and they wouldn't even care. So I tried my hardest not to be a doll. I didn't listen to anyone I didn't want to. I didn't compromise for anything at all. But now..." she laughed bitterly. "I can't even get myself to do the things that _I_ want to do. I think it would be easier to be a doll." she said.

And Shinji vehemently said, "No! It's not better to be a doll!" He slapped her and told her to never think that way again. That she had so much to live for. That all she had to do was try her hardest to be the type of person she wanted to be and then she'd be it. "I believe in you," he told her. And she came to her senses and realized her worth in this life.

_Ha ha. _That didn't happen. Just kidding. He said nothing. Asuka took the doll from beside Shinji and placed it next to herself. She patted the doll on the head and said. "Isn't that right, Little Asuka?"

Shinji saw it happening but made no effort to stop it. The changes were so slow and natural that he felt no reason to object. Asuka couldn't talk to Shinji during the day, but Little Asuka could. Never directly, of course. She served as a medium between them.

If Shinji asked, "Are you hungry?" Asuka would say, "Little Asuka and I are starving." If Shinji asked "How are you feeling?" Asuka would say that she was okay. At least she wasn't stuffed with cotton. It was a joke. They both enjoyed it. Shinji called her Little Asuka too.

But somewhere along the line the doll stopped being Little Asuka. The doll just became Asuka. Asuka the doll and Asuka the girl where inseparable.

"Asuka and I are going to use the bathroom. Asuka and I want to build a fire tonight. Me and Asuka are tired, Shinji, lets go to sleep." And even this seemed natural. Just the simple joke extended. Nothing strange there at all because when Asuka was with Asuka, Shinji could be with both of them in ways he never could before.

For instance, one evening when Asuka was doing Asuka's hair, she allowed Shinji to stroke her hair at the same time. She asked him to do it actually. She didn't mind him being close to her at all anymore. Asuka touched him more. She talked to him more. She was kind to him as well. Praised him when he did things right, and reproached Asuka when she tried to make fun of him.

And that's where it started. That's where he really fell in love with her. Because she was nice to him. And she defended him from herself. And that meant the world to him because there was no one else to do it. They were so very much alone.

Until Misato came back. And with Misato came reality. The realization of what the girl he'd lived with so long had become. In his heart he knew that there was something wrong with the Asuka he'd grown to love, but he was too deluded to do anything about it. He tried to explain to Misato that it wasn't as big of an issue as it seemed. But even he couldn't argue with reason after Misato took the doll away that one night.

The screaming. The yelling. She had even tried to hit Misato before Shinji found the doll and brought it back to the girl. With Asuka back in her hands, the girl became quiet again. Kind, sweet, and docile. She told Misato that what she'd done was an awful thing to do, but she apologized for trying to hit her. Exhausted, the girl slept like a baby that night. Shinji cried himself to sleep. Misato rubbed his back.

But there's no use going into all that. No point in talking about when other people came back or the day that Asuka was officially committed to the mental hospital.

It started back then, his dependence on the girl, but it was still happening now. And if she died, would he die too?

No. No. No.

He wouldn't die. Because there were still people left for him. He could never do to others what Asuka had done to him. Not anymore. He'd caused them all enough pain already. He didn't have the heart to cause them more.

He'd alienated Toji with his selfishness. Toji had lost just as much and all he wanted was someone to share with. Shinji had denied him that for no good reason. On a whim. He'd lied to Hikari. Hurt her in order to help himself. The sick pleasure he gained from dreaming of a better Asuka with her had been as cruel as snatching candy from a baby. And Misato...

Yes he had said horrible things to Misato, but there was still a part of him that believed they were true. Maybe Misato didn't care for Asuka. Maybe her motives for sticking by Shinji weren't entirely selfless. But that didn't change the fact that she was always there. No matter how depressed Shinji was or how much brooding he did, she always tried to be there for him... until he started pushing her away. The undercurrent of anger he harbored toward his guardian slowly lead her to take longer shifts at work and stay out later at night. But what reason did he have to be angry? No mater what her methods or motives, all she'd ever done was try to help.

Shinji abruptly laughed out loud drawing a look from the bus driver in the rear view mirror. But he didn't care. He just realized that he'd spent the last few years of his life doing nothing but moping around and being a jerk.

_I am an awful awful person and I don't deserve to die yet._

Shinji pulled the yellow cord that signaled the driver to stop. His feet seemed to move on their own accord as they lead him off the bus. He found himself standing on the sidewalk. Without thinking he felt himself turn and head towards home.

It was dark out and windy. Shinji felt the cold on his forearms. Each step felt surreal. Asuka was gone. It didn't matter if she was dead or living because he would never see her again. As stupid as it sounded, a crazy girl was his only reason for living. But even though she was gone, he didn't deserve to die. It was funny. He was a person for whom death was too good. Instead he would live each and every day of his life hoping only to make amends.

Hikari might never forgive him. But that didn't matter. He would still give her the chance. He would apologize weakly without giving any explanations. If she wanted him to explain himself she'd ask him. He didn't want to _make _her forgive him. He just wanted her to have the opportunity.

He would stick by Toji and Kensuke until it became clear that they wanted him gone. That was important. He would pretend to enjoy himself in their company and never let his problems distract him again. He didn't care if they knew he was faking. It only mattered that they saw him trying. They wouldn't want any sort of formal apology. They would either take note of his change in attitude or they wouldn't. But what to do about Misato?

Walking on feet that didn't seem to move, he saw himself reach the door of their apartment. It felt like it had taken no time at all to arrive there. He found that mildly surprising. Staring at the door, he thought about his previous question. What about Misato? She may not be the worlds most perfect guardian, but she didn't deserve to be talked to that way. But what to do about it?

How do you make up with someone who's help you've needlessly shunned and who's motives you've heavily doubted? Do you bow your head and ask for forgiveness? Sure. Why not? He needed to open the door and tell her he was home and hope for the best. It was strange how hours before he was only concerned with how much he'd been wronged, and now all he wanted was to be forgiven.

One deep breath and open the door.

"I'm home," said Shinji. Several seconds passed. Silence answered back. Oh well...

Maybe he should give her a call. Truth be told, he didn't want to bother her at work, but he felt like a new person now. This quest for self-improvement couldn't wait. If he hesitated he would lose his will. So Shinji took a seat on the couch and pulled out his cell phone. After scrolling through his remarkably short contacts list he found her number and pushed the button labeled "send".

"Hello?" said Misato. Shinji was taken slightly off guard. Her tone was harder than he expected. He hadn't planned on talking to 'Work Misato'.

"Misato?" he asked timidly, as if there could be any doubt as to who he was speaking with.

"What Shinji?" she asked, just as hard as before. Shinji realized that this wasn't merely a business voice. Misato was clearly mad. She'd never sounded so... distant. At least not with him. It scared him. He wanted to hang up the phone then and there, but something stopped him from doing so. He had to remind himself that he was doing this for her, not himself.

"... I'm sorry."

There was a long pause before Misato said, "Okay."

"I said some things I shouldn't have and I didn't mean them... well..."

"I know Shinji. I know." Suddenly Misato's voice became a lot softer. She sounded quite was another brief pause. "Are you alright Shinji?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Really?"

Shinji shook his head, though there was no one there to see it. "I will be," he said. He honestly meant it too. "Are you coming home tonight?"

"...I... there's a lot of work to do here... some things I need to finish up..."

"I understand," said Shinji. He hadn't meant to sound so disappointed.

"But... I'll try to get out early. Actually... you know what Shinji... I'll be there as soon as I can. Just give me an hour okay? It shouldn't even take that long."

"Alright."

"And don't go off by yourself, alright?"

"I won't," said Shinji.

"I mean it," Misato insisted. "Wait up for me."

"I will."

"And Shinji..."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Shinji's mind momentarily tripped over those words. Misato hung up before he even had a chance to register them. When his brain caught up to his ears he was left with a strangely warm feeling in his chest. Misato had lied to him many times in the past. On this one point, he definitely believed her.

Slowly but surely the hot feeling in his chest dissipated. A cold numbness settled in. Things were finally beginning to make sense. Misato would come home quickly and when she did he would finally let her take care of him. She would talk to him and ask him how he was feeling and he'd tell her honestly whenever he could. He would focus particularly on the anger and abandonment he felt toward Asuka, because that's what he knew Misato would be most interested in hearing. He would lie to help things along, if the need arose. She would be sympathetic. She'd try to keep the focus squarely on him. They would sit on the couch and she'd wrap a comforting arm around him, just like she used to. Perhaps this would turn into a full embrace. It had happened before. Such things were embarrassing and comforting at the same time. Shinji couldn't claim to love or hate that level of contact with her. Most likely things wouldn't go beyond that. She had kissed him only once since the impact and that had been short and chase. An impulse riding on the wings of a whim. It meant little. A few times they had slept together there on the couch in an awkward heap. He figured that this would be one of those nights. And in the morning they could live again.

All he had to do was hold out for an hour or so, then everything would be fine.

Easier said than done. The apartment was quiet and the thoughts he didn't want to have were eating him alive. _Asuka is a crazy bitch. She's probably dead and..._ Misato loved him, but she didn't say how _like a son? Like a brother? like a lover? _and Hikari could hate him for the rest of his life but it wouldn't make her feel any better. Happiness is hard to find. Maybe it too, like Asuka, doesn't want to be found. But the pressure... the pent up death was screaming in the back of his mind, knocking on his door like the friends he never had, "could Shinji please come out to play?" No. _I don't want to ride your broken roller coaster. One big hill that goes down and never comes up again._ but all he needed to do was wait an hour and... if he loved Asuka so much then why did he hate her right now?

The cello.

The cello could save him. When he played the cello he was lost to the world. Lost to himself. He could be gone without being hurt. A vacation. All he needed was a bow and that finely crafted piece of wood and strings. That were in his room... _god no_... in his room... where the nothingness lives.

But it was okay. He promised Misato he would wait for her and that's what he would do. New Shinji keeps his promises. He lives for others, not himself. Shinji would open the door to his room, grab his cello, and head back to the living room. Then he would play for an hour, Misato would show up, and everything would be okay.

_So why can't I open the door?_

If he never opened the door, he would never see the nothingness. But if he didn't open the door he would never have his cello and the death trapped in the back of his mind would devour him whole. _It's worth it right?_ No. No it's not. It's a funny question to ask. Is death better than nothing? _If it's so funny though, then why am I crying? Kids do things like this. They stand at doors and cry because they don't want to go in them. _But New Shinji wasn't a kid. No. He would open the door and face the nothing and grab the cello to fill the void. Easy. It is a simple thing to enter a room and grab a cello.

_Then what's taking so long?_

It is a simple thing.

_Then why don't you do it?_

Shinji wiped away the tears from his eyes, taking several long moments to bring his breathing under control. He was calm and collected. He had promised Misato. He would not go into his room and lock the door. _Hand on the handle. Turn and push._

_Open._

Shinji's clothes were everywhere. The covers and sheets from his bed were lying in a pile on the floor. The mattress was overturned. His trash can had been emptied. All the drawers of his dresser were removed. His cello smashed open. Broken on the ground. The neck severed from the body. Wooden splinters littered the carpet._ Amazing. _He couldn't have done a better job himself. His room had become a hailstorm of chaos. There was Asuka with a cross around her neck, kneeling at it's center.

"Oh, Hi Shinji," Asuka said casually while staring at Shinji's shoes. Her face was streaked with tears. Her hair was unkempt and disheveled. Her clothes were dirty and wrinkled. She wore the same thing she had worn the last time he'd visited her - black slacks and a white blouse - yet somehow they seemed dingy and old.

Shinji couldn't help it. He completely froze.

"Sorry about the mess," said Asuka as if talking about the weather. "I was looking for... something."

Shinji took a big breath. All he could say was, "Asuka."

"Yes," said Asuka. "She's much harder to find than I anticipated. And I looked very thoroughly too." Asuka let out a small tired laugh. "At first I was sure that the doctors had her. They were so certain that they could help me find what I was looking for. How could I be blamed for believing them? My friend, Takashi, you never met him, he showed me how to walk through their walls. And I told you a long time ago, that I already knew were to look. But when I looked through Dr. Komatsu's office, imagine my surprise Shinji. She wasn't there."

Shinji just stared on in disbelief.

"That's when I realized that the doctors didn't have her. No one did. You know Asuka, Shinji. She'd never let anyone own her like that. Even if she is a doll. So I thought to myself, 'where would she go?'" This question was posed almost as if she expected Shinji to answer it. "So of course I stopped by the Horaki's. But there wasn't anyone there. The whole house was empty. Not a piece of furniture in the place. Did you know that Hikari moved Shinji? She never even told me. I suppose I should be offended, but I can't say I blame her. We always were such a bother to her."

"I'm sorry," said Shinji though he wasn't exactly sure why. Maybe if he'd passed on Hikari's frequent words of kindness he could have saved her a trip, but that didn't make his apology any less ridiculous. Hadn't he been mad at her no more than 5 minutes ago?

"Don't be." People were always saying that to him. "It's not your fault really. I'm sure you would have told me if you'd known."

Shinji's face soured.

"So I walked around the city for a while. I went to all of Asuka's favorite stores and hang outs. I saw a classmate of ours at one of them. I don't think we were very good friends because she didn't seem particularly glad to see me. But I didn't see Asuka anywhere. She wasn't out and about as I figured she would be."

Asuka finally looked at Shinji. Her eyes were red tired. Her mouth was twisted downward into the slightest of frowns.

"For a while I gave up hope. I must have looked silly wandering aimlessly around the city. But then I remembered this place, Shinji. I thought... I just knew she'd be here. Because of you. She always seemed to like you so much, so I just knew she had to be here with you. And I thought that maybe that was for the best. Maybe you could take care of her like you once said you would. It sounded perfect actually. I really did hope I'd find her here with you."

Asuka's frown deepened.

"I looked everywhere, Shinji. I even looked in the places where I knew she couldn't be." Shinji's eyes glanced back at his broken cello. "But she's not here. And I thought 'if she really cared about him so much, she would be here wouldn't she'. But she's isn't here. And I don't think she's ever coming back."

Tears began to well in Asuka's eyes.

"The truth is... she doesn't care about you at all Shinji. She doesn't want to be owned by you anymore than she wants to be owned by the doctors. She's a selfish little girl who only looks out for herself. But the irony is that she doesn't even like herself! She's rude, she's mean, and she's unkind. And she would throw any one of us under a bus to get what she wants. But she doesn't even know what she wants! And the things that she thinks she wants... she's too afraid to get them."

Asuka's face contorted in fury as she spoke.

"She's a weak, cowardly, disgusting bitch! I hate her!" Asuka yelled. But her next words came out in a breathless whisper.

"Why do I have to be her?" she asked. Her hands rose to her face and she began to openly weep.

Her great gasping sobs moved Shinji into action. He knelt down in front of her, put both arms around her and said, "I love you."

Asuka tried her hardest to blink away her tears. Between rasping sobs she managed to ask, "Why?"

"I don't know," said Shinji.

Asuka cried harder.

* * *

Later that evening Misato came home and found the two of them kneeling in their quiet embrace. She stared at them for one full minute before closing the door to Shinji's room. She spent the night sleeping with her back pressed against the door.

In the morning all three of them drove Asuka back to the hospital. They parted with a series of brief and somber goodbyes. Shinji promised to visit her as soon as he could. For this, Asuka was grateful.

The doctors were initially at a loss concerning the girl. Not all of the progress she made during her stay had been superficial, but they were forced to re-evaluate the motives behind everything she had ever said. The privileges she'd gained within the hospital were once again restricted and for a time she was monitored closely. Much time passed before Dr. Komatsu felt she could be trusted again. Two weeks passed before she was allowed to have visitors. Shinji did his best to visit her every day he could. Even Misato made an appearance there periodically. five and a half months passed before she was finally released.

She never found Asuka. At least not the Asuka she used to be. For that she was glad. What she did find was something much harder to define. Though the doctors did their best, she never became magically whole. She didn't even know what being whole meant. She was just a fragile girl searching for comfort and direction. She would spend her whole life coming to terms with that.

Asuka's adjustment to regular life was slow and incomplete. Living with Misato again presented it's challenges. Harsh words aren't easily taken back. Especially when they contain a measure of truth. But all parties managed to stay civil. They were able to keep peace by maintaining emotional distance.

Hikari was genuinely glad to have Asuka back, though like all friendships affected by the impact, things just weren't the same. The opposing forces of discomfort and familiarity reached equilibrium for the two of them. They began to hang out regularly and Hikari reacquired her role as Asuka's one and only female friend. Somewhere along the line, she found it in her heart to forgive Shinji for misleading her, though they were never close again. that was probably for the best. It would have made Asuka jealous anyways.

Shinji tried to be a good person when he could. His past life had been convenient. He had placed his hopes in Asuka, put the blame on Misato, and taken comfort in Hikari. But he could no longer live that way. His conscious wouldn't let him. Instead he tried to care of his friends. He did nice things for Misato when he could. He realized that whatever he felt for Asuka, it didn't have to eclipse everything in his life. Putting all his hopes and dreams onto one person wasn't fair. It wasn't healthy, kind, or safe. And in the end, he never did figure out whether he would have been better off without her in his life. But he did realize one thing. Whether it be right or wrong, whether he loved it or hated it, he would always live or die by Asuka's smile.

* * *

**AN: **It's been a long time coming. This story has finally come to a close. I'd like to thank my The Mustachioed Cat for beta reading this last chapter. It flows that much better because of him. I'd also like to thank Eric Blair who previously pre-read for me as his input lead toward the writing of some of the scenes I liked the most. Go read their stuff. Also I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed and/or read this. Especially Azure Lily whose review inspired me to continue beyond the first chapter.

All in all I still don't know if I should have continued this or not, but I'm more or less satisfied with the way things went. I'm sure some of you will be unsatisfied with the ending, especially after the high note that chapter 4 ended on. Can't please everyone. Feel free to let me know how you feel about it. I always look forward to constructive criticism. And hey, I never turn down words of praise either.

And thus ends my Oscar acceptance speech. As always, thanks for reading.


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